LakefieldS00E00 Addiction
Scene 1
地点：公交站前，Lakefield, Mountainear, China
人物：Tits, Chill, Boo
（三人站一排，抠手机中）
Tits:Cool! I got another SSR!
Boo:Dude, what’re you talking about?
Tits:One sec, I’m gonna post the screenshot in the group chat. I’m kicking ass.
Chill:Are you still playing that Onmyoji game?
Tits:Yep. Chicks like the game.
Boo:Really?
Tits:Totally, bro. You guys not playing? The game’s a killer.
Boo: Idon’t know. It looks…gay.
Tits:That’s why chicks like it, genius.
Chill:Tits, how much have you spent on this game?
Boo:It’s not free?
Tits: Shutup. It’s totally free.
Chill:It’s the freemium game kind of thing.
Boo: OhI see.
Chill:So, how much?
Tits:About 4000.
Chill& Boo: 4000?!
Boo: Youspent 4000 on a game?! That’s more than the allowance I have in a year.
Chill: Enoughfor our whole dormitory to buy prostitutes once.
Boo:Twice, Rocky’s gay.
Chill:Oh, right.
Boo:Dude, how can you get so much money from your parents?
Tits: Youknow, old people never know how to use smartphones. So when I taught them, Ibound their credit card to my phone. easy peasy.
Chill& Boo: What?!
Chill: Whenthey find out, they’re gonna kill you, bro.
Tits:Relax, parents are stupid. Oh, oh, check this out, I’m gonna terminate this fagnext round.
Chill:Oh, here comes the bus.
Boo:Finally, one more minute I will be frozen to death.
Chill:No kidding, it’s like the coldest winter ever. My brother in Beijing said hisdildo got so hard because of the shitty weather that it hurt his asshole.
Boo: Noway!
Chill:Yeah way. He told me so.
Boo:What is a dildo anyway?
Chill:I don’t know. I guess it must be some kind of toilet aid.
Boo:Hmm.
(一辆黑色的小轿车停在了几人跟前，下来了两个穿黑西装戴墨镜的男人，其中一个戴着白色的口罩。)
Man A (toTits): Patrick Zhou? AKA Tits?
Tits:Yes?
Man B (murmuringbehind the mask): Young man, you’re suffering from severe game addictionsyndrome, so you need to come with us and accept proper treatment. It isextremely important for your health and future. You are not supposed to refuseour request, for we’ve been authorized to use lethal weapons on you. We willTaser you if we detect any kind of noncooperation. Say what if want to get a superhigh-power electric shock.
Tits: What?
Man A: Mygod! He’s gonna attack us! Taser him to defend ourselves!
(口罩男的电击枪击中了Tits，Tits瞬间倒地，痛苦地挣扎喊叫，但口罩男并没有停止。终于，Tits被电昏迷了过去。Boo和Chill在一旁目瞪口呆。)
Man A:Get him in the car!
(口罩男把Tits扔进了后车厢)
Man A: Sleeptight, you little dickhead. It’s just a start.
(Boo和Chill仍在目瞪口呆中。)
Boo: Dudewhat the fuck just happened?!
Chill:I don’t know!
Boo:Who the hell are they?!
Chill:I don’t know! We need to tell Tits’ parents.
Boo:Hurry, let’s go!
(Boo和Chill跑着离开。公共汽车进站。)
Scene 2
地点：Tits家门口
人物：Boo、Chill、Tits’parents
(Boo和Chill气喘吁吁，跑到了Tits家的单元门口。)
Chill:Dude, hurry!
Boo:Why the hell didn’t we save Tits’ parents’ number in the first place?!
Chill:Oh, come on! Which lamo will save the number of a friends’ parent?
(镜头转至Tits家门口，Chill按响了门铃。)
(电视在背景中一直在讲：Police confirmed thatthis singer had been smoking marijuana in his residence. “I’m sorry. I failedmy fans. I failed my parents. I failed the country.”)
Tits’
mom (开门，发现是Boo和Chill，满脸和蔼的微笑): Oh, hello, Andrew and Timo!
Chill:Please! Mrs. Zhou! T…Patrick has been abducted!
Tits’
mom (略微惊奇，但还是很镇定):Abducted?
Tits’
dad (在厨房中大喊): Who is it,hon?
Tits’mom (to dad): It’s Andrew and Timo, hon! Patrick’s roommates! (to Chill andBoo) Patrick’s dad is making breakfast in the kitchen. You guys want some stuffedbuns?
Boo:What?! Are you paying attention?
Chill:Ma’am, Listen! Patrick’s been ABDUCTED! You need to call the police and rescuehim! Right now!
Tits’mom: Well, did two men in black Tasered him and put him in the trunk of a blackcar?
Boo& Chill: Yes!
Boo:Wait, how did you know?
Tits’mom: Well, it’s actually our idea.
Chill:What?!
Tits’mom: You see, Patrick had been acting weird recently. His grades fell. He nevertalked to us, playing with his IPhone all day long. Yesterday we found out hespent 4000 yuan on a mobile game. We realized he became ill.
Chill:Ill?
Tits’mom: Yes, ill. He’s addicted to online games.
Boo:That’s bull crap, ma’am. Online game addiction is not real.
Tits’mom: It is. We googled it. It is real, it is a serious disease, and it can becured.
Chill:You can google?
Tits’mom: No, I actually baidued it. I said google to make sure watchers in Americacan have a better understanding.
Boo:You won’t find that kind of bullshit on Google.
Tits’Mom: Anyway, we thought Patrick’s suffering from serious online game addiction.Then we found a website of an institute who claimed they can cure this disease.
Chill:No way!
Tits’Mom: It’s called “Professor Young’s Addiction Withdrawal Center”. It’s beenopen for over 10 years, and right in Lakefield. It even made a commercial onNCTV. We thought we might give a shot, so we gave them all detailed informationabout Patrick last night. Looks like they’re really efficient.
Boo:You actually had your son, your only son abducted and electric shocked?
Tits’Mom: Young man, it’s not abduction, it’s cure. We only meant the greater goodfor him.
Boo: Doyou have any idea what they would do to him in that concentration camp?
Tits’Mom: Well, according to themselves, they will stick two electrodes on histemples and shock him. Three times a day, one hour each time.
Chill:My god! You do know…Then why would you allow that?!
Tits’
Dad (在客厅): What took you solong, hon?
Tits’Mom (to Dad) I’m coming, hon! (to Boo and Chill) Look, I know you’re reallyworried about Patrick. But calm down and relax. But Patrick’s really sick, andhe really needs such a treatment. We’re his parents, we would never hurt him,unless it’s for his own benefit. Children deserve some harsh love to beexcellent. And after all, he’ll come back to you as soon as he’s cured.
Boo:Ma’am, you’re killing you son, you know?
Tits’Mom: Aww, don’t be silly. Now you two marching towards school, OK? It’s gonnabe late.
(Tits的妈妈关上了门.)
Tits’
Dad (门后的声音): What happened,hon?
Tits’
Mom (门后的声音): Oh, nothing.Those kids thought Patrick had been abducted.
Tits’Dad (laughed): Ah-hahahahaha! That’s really naïve and sweet of them.
Tits’Mom (laughed too): Yeah, tell me about it.
(门外，Boo和Chill非常震惊，两人互相对视，不知道该说什么好。很久才从这样的震惊中恢复过来，两人在门口缓缓坐下。)
Boo:Dude, remember how many times Tits’ brawled with Mr. Chang in the class?
Chill:He’s literally going to be killed in that fucking center.
Boo:Maybe we can ask the police for help.
Chill:
No use, man. Even if the police rescued him, his parents would send him back
again. (Chill轻轻叹了一口气，好像世界末日过后自己还活着一样绝望。) What kind of parents would do that to his own child?
Boo:OUR parents.
Chill:Right. I guess, next time we see Tits would be on his funeral.
Boo: ……
Chill:There’s nothing we can do.
Boo: Idon’t want him to die.
Chill:Me neither. But there’s nothing we can do.
Boo:No, no!
Chill:What?
Boo: Fuck
it. (Boo站了起来。) I’m not sittinghere, moping like a pussy. Tits is my bunk bro, and I won’t let the shittyparents be idiots and kill my bro. They sent him in prison, fine. I’ll breakhim out.
Chill:What?
Boo:You heard me. I’m gonna pull Tits out of that center.
Chill:Man, are you crazy? Do you have any idea how hard it is?
Boo: Idon’t care.
Chill:Alright, alright. Even if you manage to pull him out, what next? You can’tbring him back to his home, his parents will be furious! Your parents too.
Boo: Idon’t care! It’s my bro’s life! He’s only 10! He can’t die a virgin.
Chill:Technically, he’s not a virgin. Do you know he watches Korean MVs of hot girlsand masturbates in your bed when you’re not in the dormitory?
Boo:What?! Why would he do that?!
Chill:He said he didn’t want to get his bed sheet dirty.
Boo:Gross!
Chill: Younever found out?
Boo:No!
Chill:OK.
Boo (回到义愤填膺表情): Then I guess I have tokick his ass, after saving it.
Chill(sighed and stood up): Well, in that case, I believe you’ll need an extra hand.
Boo: Thanks,bro. Now let’s get him out.
Scene 3
地点：Trump Tower
人物：Donald Trump, Melania Trump
(Melania斜躺在沙发上，正在看电视。)
电视：朴槿惠新闻末尾，回到美国，同样也有一位女人陷入了大麻烦。And so it’s quite possible that the president of Korea will facecertain prosecution. Back to America, the most powerful woman here was also introuble. Hilary Clinton…
Donald
(进门，关门): Hi, honey! I’mhome.
Melania:Well you look extra happy today.
Donald:Yeah, haven’t you seen the result of the polls? Hilary and I are now neck andneck! God bless FBI, they’re to reopen investigation on that silly woman.
Melania:Yeah, it’s on the news.
TV: Andso responded Hilary Clinton.
Hilary
(on TV): People of America, I guarantee you, I’ve never done anything illegal.
(两只眼睛斗在了一起，随后又分开。)
Donald:Wait! Did you see that?
Melania:What, Donald?
Donald:Her eyes!
Melania:Yeah, rumor says she’s a Parkinson’s sufferer. She may die before the electionresult comes out. Well she’s already dead to me now. Remember we once met herat a charity dinner that year? She and I actually had a lovely chat there. Iwonder what makes her such an asshole which could not stick on her own lies.She’s not the woman I used to know.
Donald:
No. (突然醒悟) No, she’s not. (拿起衣服往外走。)
Melania:Hey, where’re you going?
Donald:I need to find out something. Don’t wait up! I’ll be OK!
Melania:OK.
Scene 4
地点：Trump的另外一所宅邸
人物：Donald Trump, Guard
(Trump的车在夜色中驶进了宅邸的大门，Trump把车停在了门口，下车走进了房子。)
Guard (正在对着有Ivanka照片的杂志手淫): Oh, Mr. Trump! Never thought you would come this late. You needanything?
Donald:
Oh, nothing! I’m just… (注意到了杂志，略微吃惊) Did you…Oh, never mind. I can’t blame you for that.
(Donald进入电梯，按下了T的按钮。电梯下行，每一层的灯光映照着他的脸忽明忽暗。Donald的脸色愈发凝重。)
Donald
(低头沉思，脑中的声音): How can I
never notice that? I KNOW Hilary Rodham Clinton for years. She’s always been
tough, kind and honest. How come she became such a lying hypocrite? (抬起头，仍然在思索。) I got a bad feeling about this. (电梯叮地响了一声，到达T楼，Donald Trump的表情变的坚定了起来) I’m gonna Trump this shit out.
(Donaldstepped out the elevator, walked along the corridor heading towards the room atthe end of it.)
Donald
(掏出了一把钥匙，插入木门的锁孔中):Can’t believe I’m doing this again.
(Donald拧动钥匙，打开这扇貌似平常的木门，木门后出现了一扇灰黑色的铁门，门上有一个指纹识别装置与一个密码盘，墙壁上翻转出了数门加特林，枪口对准了Donald。Donald输入密码19490220，指纹识别装置两起了白光，他将右手放了上去，扫描过后，白光变为绿色。)
FemaleVoice: Voice key required.
Donald:All women want to have sex with me.
FemaleVoice: Analyzing.
(一声“叮”响起，加特林翻转入墙壁中，门也随之打开。)
FemaleVoice: Welcome, Mr. T. The world needs you. I need you. I am Angelina Jolie andI think you’re way sexier than Brad Pitt.
Donald:After this, I’ll update you to Rebecca Ferguson.
(Donald走进了房间，房门在他身后关上。屋子的墙上满是武器，夹杂其中还有一张他的前妻的照片。屋子尽头有一个单人飞行器。Donald戴上了头套、手套，穿上了飞虎队一般的马甲，进入飞行器，坐在驾驶座位上，按下了阴蒂形状的开关。)
FemaleVoice: Oh, Mr. T. Fly me to the moon!
(液晶屏幕亮起，背景是trump在打字的声音，屏幕上出现了美国地图，比例尺逐渐缩小，最后锁定到了韦切斯特县。Donald目光凝重，将手指伸入V形状的控制槽。)
FemaleVoice: Oh~~~~
Donald:Let’s go.
(夜空中繁星点点，黑暗中，飞行器的火光在隐约可见的庄园后徐徐升起，又疾速消失。)
Scene 5
地点：韦切斯特县，Clinton’s Home
人物：Donald Trump, Hilary & Bill Clinton
(飞行器中，Trump左手握住乳房形状的方向控制器，右手中指放在V形状的动力控制槽中。控制槽中已经流出了许多透明液体。)
Donald
(一脸严肃): All right,
babe. We’re here. (特写，将动力控制槽调至最低。飞行器喷射出的火焰逐渐减弱，飞行器降落在了树林中，后舱门打开。)
Donald:Wait for my call.
FemaleVoice: Are you dumping me?
Donald:God, give me a break! Who designed this fucking AI?
FemaleVoice: Steven Moffat.
Donald:I knew it!
(Clinton的书房)
Bill (隔壁的声音): You’re goona sit there allday?
Hilary
(隔壁的声音): Oh! Bite me!
Bill (隔壁的声音): Alright, that’s enough!I’m going to sleep.
(在这样的背景音中，Trump的脑袋从窗中探出，确定书房无人，他迅捷地从窗外跳到书房中，一眼就看到了桌上的电脑。)
D: OK.Let’s see what’s inside.
(D动了动电脑的触摸板，屏幕亮了起来。他打开了Gmail，页面自动跳转，D发现，前几页全都是最近她与一个叫Park的人之间的聊天。)
D: Whothe hell is Park?
(D接着查看邮件，往来全都是乱码，非常奇怪。)
D (点开了第一封邮件，发现是一封类似于广告的东西): Hi, we
are delighted to tell you. You’ve won a free YSL Star. Input you address and
we’ll deliver… It looks like a spam. But who will reply a spam? That doesn’t
make any sense. (D点开了最近一封Park发来的邮件，在一堆乱码中发现了一串数字N35°17’22，118°5’39E) degree, minute, second…It’s not time,but…longitude and latitude!
(画面放大，定格在那串数字上。)
Scene 6
Location:Professor Young’s Addition Withdrawal Center
Characters:Tits, Boo, Chill, Choi,
(杨教授的网瘾戒除中心坐落在荒野，四面为铁丝网，四角的塔楼之中有守卫。探照灯的强光打在浓厚的雾霾上，好像是一片融在水中的牛奶。)
(Boo和Chill飞速冲到一塔楼脚下，两人身穿黑衣，背着装备包。)
Chill:Dude, in such a smog they can’t see shit.
Boo:Then why the hell do we wear masks?
Chill:You know, to prevent the smog.
Boo:Oh, yeah.
Chill:Hurry, dude. the blanket.
Boo:Ok!
(Boo从包里拿出了毯子，搭在铁丝网上，两个人灵巧地翻进了中心。)
(中心里没有灯，两个人一手持刀，一手拿手电筒，一前一后警惕地前行。墙上贴着“听杨叔叔的话”“戒除网瘾，回归孝道”以及“杨叔叔在看着你”。)
Chill:Boo, Look! The dormitory!
Boo:You got to be kidding me.
(镜头转，一个巨大的监狱铁笼门，门上挂着牌子，写着“晚10点-早6点高压电，危险！”的字样。门后是黑洞洞的走廊，走廊另一头是一个带玻璃窗的把手木门。)
Boo:Guess we have to cut the power.
Chill:Impossible, it must have some sort of backup electricity.
Boo:Then what shall we do now?
Chill:I don’t know!
Choi (上方传来声音): You guys want to break in?
(Boo与Chill抬头，发现半空中铁链吊挂着一个玻璃屋子，玻璃屋子里是一个姑娘，身穿拘束服，躺在玻璃屋的地板上。)
Chill:Umm, who are you?
Choi:Just some student, sent here by my parents because of Hearthstone.
Chill:You play Legend of Hearthstone?
Boo:It’s so retro…
Choi:Why do you guys come here?
Boo:We’re here to bust our friend out.
Choi:All students are now in the dormitory. But there’s no way you can open thegate. It’s wired and has backup electricity.
Chill:Thanks for the newsflash, girl. We just figured it out.
Choi:In fact, I can help you get through the door, but you have to do me a littlefavor.
Boo:What favor?
Choi:See the storage room over there? Inside there’s my bag, and a big red button onthe control panel. You fetch me my bag and press the button to release me, thenI help you open the gate.
Boo:Deal.
(Boo和Chill来到了储藏室里。)
Chill:This must be the bag.
Boo:What’s inside?
Chill:Let me see…Wow, look! Cellphones!
Boo:Dude, they look quite expensive.
Chill:Why does she have so many cellphones in her bag?
Boo: Idon’t know. Maybe she wants to establish a black market here.
Chill:Hmm. Never mind. Go press the button and release that chick.
Boo:OK.
(Boo按下按钮，镜头一转，玻璃屋缓缓降下，门打开。两人也拿着包走了过来。)
Chill:Are you OK?
Choi:Thanks. I’m good. Oh, is that my bag?
Boo: I
believe so. (把包给了Choi) Why do youhave so many cellphones?
Choi: Oh,I make money by click farming in Google Store.
Boo:Oh.
Chill:Back to the point.
Choi: Iknow; I can bust your friend out. Now step away from that gate.
(两人退后，Choi从包里拿出了一台手机放在门前，接上充电器，充电线很长，她一路退到了角落，角落有一个插座。她顿了一下，猛地将充电器插入插座，嘭的一声，手机爆炸了，铁门被炸开。Chill和Boo傻了眼。)
Boo:What the fuck?
Chill:Is it?
Choi:I’ll explain later. Now hurry, get your friend! The explosion may have alarmedthe guards. They can be here anytime.
(三人打开了宿舍门，旁边有开关，Chill按下开关，宿舍的灯亮了。宿舍里面只有两趟通铺，20个学生穿着迷彩服躺在床上。突入其来的灯亮仿佛是吓到了他们，他们像是经常被虐待的狗一样跳着坐了起来，试着往角落蜷缩。)
Boo:Tits?
Tits(犹疑着探出了身子): Boo? And Chill?
Boo:Yes!
Chill:Come on buddy! We’re here to rescue you!
Tits:Is it…some kind of test?
Boo:Dude! What?
Chill:Tits, what’s wrong with you?
Tits:I’m not leaving…They must hire you to test my obedience.
Boo:Tits! My god! What have they done to you?!
Chill:Tits! We are your best friends.
Tits:I’m sorry. But they really fucked up my mind.
Boo:Hurry! They’re coming this way.
Tits:Even if I got out, my shitty parents are gonna send me back here.
Choi:Don’t worry about that.
Boo:Now, Tits!
Chill (toall): Follow us! All of you!
(一行人来到了出口处，背景有几个人大喊“孩子们都跑了！快封锁出口！傻逼快起来，别撸了！”)
Choi (toChill): You guy keep going. I’m going to blow up the whole center.
Chill:Ok! You be careful!
(Choi从包中拿出了一部手机，按了几下，接上充电器又放到了包里，快速逃离。一票警卫随后跟了上来，手持警棍。)
GuardA: Hey look!
(大家停了下来，走向Choi的书包。镜头切近，书包被打开，里面有数十台手机，有一台正在充电，屏幕上写着98%，又跳到了99%。)
GuardA: Wow! So many fancy cellphones!
GuardB: Finally, I can change my knockoff.
(镜头特写，充电值达到了100%)
(Choi快速冲出门外，跑到小树林里赶上了其他人。大家继续奔跑，气喘吁吁。)
Choi:Fire in the hole! Take cover!
(话音未落，身后的网瘾戒除中心化成了一团巨大的火球。冲击波将每个人掀倒在地，每个人都倒在地上，看着巨大的火球从明变暗，上升成了一朵蘑菇云。)
Tits:Wow!
Chill:That’s really badass.
Boo:How did you do that?
Choi:Just basic Chainsung reaction: The power of Samsung Note 7 explosion willincrease exponentially as quantity rises.
Tits:
Dude! What’s that? (指天，火光中可以看到，Trump的飞行器。)
(Trump在操控飞行器，一脸严肃地透过窗外观察着四野。)
FemaleVoice: Destination arrived.
Trump:OK. Now let’s see what’s in here, Hilary.
(飞行器调整姿态，准备落地。Trump发现窗外的网瘾中心，突然，大爆炸发生了。)
Trump:Dude! What’s that?
FemaleVoice: Civilians detected.
(窗上，几个孩子显示为绿色。)
Trump:A bunch of kids. Interesting. Let’s see if we can find any clue.
(孩子静静地看着，Trump的飞行器缓缓降落，舱门打开。Trump从里面走了出来，看着大家。)
Tits:Are you an Alien?
Trump:What?!
Tits:You know, like from Mars or something.
Trump:Yes, I’m from America.
Kids:Wow!
Trump:Who are you?
Chill:Nobody. Just some local adorable kids.
Trump:Hmm…You guys know anything about that explosion?
Tits:It had been Professor Young’s Addiction Withdrawal Center. And we blew it up.
Kids:Yeah.
Trump:Addiction Withdrawal?
Boo (pointedto Choi): Actually, she did it with a bag full of Samsung Note 7s.
Tits:We owe you.
Choi:Oh, it’s nothing. After years of being trapped there, I hate that place muchmore than you do.
Trump:Interesting…What your name, little girl?
Choi:Choi.
Trump:Hmm. Anyway, you kids just escaped from an addiction withdrawal center?
Tits:Yeah, it’s actually a prison held by a fucking sadist but yeah.
Trump:So, what is your plan now? Going home?
OtherKids: Yes.
Trump:Then…Go ahead.
(大家陆续散去，只有Tits、Chill、Boo和Choi留在原地面面相觑)
Trump:Why are you still here?
Tits: Idon’t want to go home. I hate my parents.
Chill:We’ll stick with him a few days to make sure everything’s OK.
Boo:Um-hm.
Choi: Idon’t like my parents, either.
Trump:You guys can come with me if you want.
Tits:Really?
Trump:Of course. You see, I’m new here. So I need some guide.
Chill:Sir, are you a child molester?
Trump:No! What makes you say that?
Chill:You look like our school president?
Trump:Oh…No, I’m not a child molester.
Chill:OK. Follow us, we’ll find you a hotel.
Trump:Thanks!
(几人越走越远)
Boo:Mr. American, why do you come here?
Trump:Oh, you know. I love traveling.
Tits:Travel? In this shitty place?
Trump:Yeah, like Christian Bale.
Tits:Oh. I see.
Boo:So…Are you Batman?
Trump:No, but I do shag a lot of pretty girls.
Chill:Really?
Trump:What? You don’t believe that?
Chill:It’s just…your hands are really small.
Trump:Hey, screw you, kid.
(几人的背影消失在街上)
Scene 7
Location:In a hotel
Characters:Tits, Boo, Chill, Choi, Trump
(早上，酒店屋中，几个孩子坐在沙发上看着电视。电视背景音：)
Trump (outof the shower):Morning, kids.
Kids:Morning, sir.
TV:Whether Bob Dylan is going to accept the Noble Prize remains a mystery. Now forthe local news: last night, Professor Young’s Addiction Withdrawal Center wasdestroyed by a great explosion, claiming 19 lives. Professor Young himself,however, survived the explosion because he was in a vault beneath the center.
Kids:What?!
TV:When asked about the explosion, Professor Young said.
Young(onTV): It’s not an accident! Some people want to destroy me. They want to destroythe future of our children. I know who you are! I will get you! You hear me? Iwill get you!
Trump:The man looks furious.
Chill:You bet.
(Choi面沉似水，呆滞片刻，低头走向门口)
Tits:Where’re you going?
Choi:I’m going to kill that son of bitch.
Tits:What?
Chill:Are you crazy?
Choi:I’m crazy angry.
Boo:Calm down, dude. You are talking about killing a man.
Choi:No, it’s not killing a man. That coward is no man. He’s no human. He’s amonster amuses himself by shocking defenseless kids! Now you tell me, if youhad an opportunity to kill Kim Jung Un, what would you do?
Boo:Uh…
Choi:
I’m off. Give me your fucking knife. (从包中拿出了刀) I’m gonna cut that asshole’s throat.
(大家惊呆，Choi走到了门口。)
Tits:Choi, Wait!
(Choi停住，Tits从沙发上站了起来。)
Tits:I’m going with you.
Boo& Chill: What?!
(Boo和Chill把Tits拉到了一边)
Chill:Tits, you’re thinking with your penis, right?
Tits:Um…Yes.
Boo:Guess your penis is not hard enough and never made through.
Tits:Fuck you!
Boo: Imean we tried every effort, risked our lives and saved your ass from thatprison. Now you’re going back to commit homicide.
Chill:You could end up in jail for this.
Tits:Screw that, we’re kids. We’re too young for jail. Besides, haven’t you heardfrom that man on TV? He’s going to rebuild the center, which means my parentswill definitely send me back in it. I’d rather spend the rest of my life inprison getting raped in the ass everyday than being shocked in the center. (toChoi) Count me in, Choi.
(Boo与Chill叹气)
Chill:Wait, we are in.
(Tits走过来，兴奋地揽住了两人的肩膀)
Tits:Thank you! You guys are my best friends.
Chill(小声): If you failed to ask her out,I call dibs.
Tits:No problem, man.
Scene 8
Location:Young’s Vault
Characters:Young, Trump, Tits, Chill, Boo, Park, Bob Dylan, Hilary
(一行人来到了爆炸的废墟处)
Tits:Dudes, check it out!
(大家凑上前来，废墟中，地上有一道被炸开的铁门，后面是黑洞洞的通道)
Boo: Itmust be here!
(Choi一纵身，跳了下去)
Tits:Hey, wait!
(一间屋中，Young正在做着实验，门突然被踢开)
Young:What?
Choi:At last, Professor Young!
Young:Hh? Who are you?
Choi:Cut the crap. Where’s the Hammer?
(Choi身旁的几个孩子吃了一惊)
Young:Little girl, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Chill:Umm, Choi, what hammer?
Tits: Ithought we are here to kill Young.
Choi:
Shut up! (掏出枪指着几个孩子) You littlebastards step aside, or I’ll fucking kill you!
Tit:Wow, sister, calm down!
Boo:Where did you get that gun?
Choi:You three, stand over there.
(几人过去跟Young站在一起)
Choi:Now, old dog. Let me ask you again: Where Is the Fucking Hammer?
Young:What hammer? I just don’t know!
(Choishot Tits in the arm)
Boo: Ohmy god!
Chill:Tits!
Young:What are you doing?!
Choi:It will be head next time. How many children’s lives are you willing tosacrifice to keep the Hammer safe?
Young:You evil bitch.
(Young按下了手边的一个按钮，一个小型升降台从地板缓缓升起，升降台上嵌着一把闪着电光的锤子。)
Young:Now, you got the hammer, but how are you going to lift that?
Choi:The retrieving team’s coming soon. All I need is to kill all of you.
(突然，门外响起了一声枪声，Choi被从射中胸口，她倒在了地上。众人皆是一惊。)
Trump:Got you, pussy!
Chill:Trump!
Tits:How do you know we are here.
Trump:I knew you’ve been hiding something, Choi.
Choi:But how…?
Trump:Remember the first time we met? You told us you had been here for years. Then howcould you get Samsung Note 7? And you told me something about Google Store.Well guess what? You can’t use Google in China.
(Choidied. Trump picked up the gun.)
Trump:Sneaky enough to pick my pistol. Let’s get out here!
Hilary(voice):I’m afraid it’s too late, Donald.
Trump:What? No.
(希拉里、朴槿惠与一众女性持枪出现。)
Trump:Hilary?! Why did you do this?
Park:
She’s not Hilary anymore. She is (镜头拉近) my Bestie.
Trump:What? Who are you?
Park: Iam Park. President of Korea.
Trump:So it’s you.
Boo:What the fuck is going on?
Park:Well, let me explain to you silly men. We are members of an ancient secret clubcall the Besties. For hundreds of years we’ve been trying to rule the entireworld.
Boo:Why?
Park:
Why? You guys never understand the pain we suffer from in a straight man
dominated world! Look around! It’s hell on earth.为什么会有人穿冲锋衣上班？为什么会有人背瑞士军刀的双肩包？为什么有人还会喷爱马仕大地的香水？It’s killing us! It’s killing us! Finally, we realized that straightguys and we girls are actually different species. We have to build our ownworld, in which every man uses deodorant, only with six abs can he marry awoman and a girl can have as many male slaves as she likes.
Boo:Can we go now? My friend is bleeding.
Park:But as you can tell, we have too few members—even some women thought we are tooradical and do not support us. Therefore, we Koreans invented our own WMD:Samsung Note 7.
Chill:Really?
Park: Weconducted a Note 7 test, and the explosion even caused a Note Winter. But weneed something soft. That’s why we came up with an idea to enroll membersefficiently. YSL Star.
Trump:No!
Park:Yes! We developed a virus that carries our code. And secretly put that virus inevery YLS Star. When a girl tries that lipstick, she will be immediatelybrainwashed to be one of our Besties.
Trump:And you knew no woman could resist the opportunity to try an YSL, so you sentan Email to Hilary?
Park:We want the most influential woman on our side. And now she is.
Trump:Then what’s this little town’s meaning to your master plan?
Young:Because I’ve been making secret research to unwash these people.
Trump:What?!
Young:You see, mister. Truth is, many years ago, I was informed of the Besties andtheir conspiracy. I tried every way, hoping to find a method to get the Bestiesback to normal. It occurred to me that electric shock could be possible. Thiscenter was aimed to work out a cure. Addiction withdrawal is just a disguise.
Boo:Dude.
Trump:Of course. In no country will parents send their children to get shocked.
Young:But I can never get enough power to unwash these poor girls! I was ready togive up all hope and embrace the apocalypse of the world. Then someonedelivered a package to me, containing this.
Trump:The Hammer.
Young:Yes, the Hammer. Its power is so overwhelming! With its help, I have alreadyreleased the pain of a bunch of Besties.
Chill:You unwashed their brain?
Young:No I just shocked them into a pile of charcoal.
Chill:Oh.
Park:(shot Young) Enough! Now we can destroy the Hammer, and no one can stop usmaking this world great again!
(后面数枪，正中朴槿惠众人的心脏。Bob Dylan带领瑞典皇家学会众人出现。)
Bob:Looks we arrived just in time.
Trump:Oh my god! It’s Bob Dylan and The Royal Swedish Academy of Science!
Bob:Long time no see, Donald.
Chill:Hey, it’s the Noble Prize guy!
Young:Who?
Swedish:Mr. Young, we gave you the Hammer.
Young:You?
Swedish:Yes, we didn’t tell you its name. It’s actually Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor,our God.
Young:Oh! That make sense.
Trump:But why is Bob Dylan with you?
Swedish:The Royal Swedish Academy of Science fought with the Besties for ages, we pickout best fighter and honor them with great prize, the Noble Prize, it’s ourViking tradition. Several months ago Bob Dylan called me, saying he found thatsmoking marijuana can make human body immune to Besties brainwashing virus. Wewere so thrilled about this discovery and gave him a Noble Prize.
Bob:Hey, with greater pot, comes greater responsibility.
Swedish:Because China is so close to Korea, the situation here is way worse than inother countries. The minute we told Chinese government this discovery, they putall weed smoking celebrities in jail, to protect them from being assassinatedby the Besties, for they will be the very core of this nation.
Boo:Really?
Chill:So basically, you guys set up Noble Prize to fight Korea?
Swedish:Yeah, so to speak.
Boo:Hmm, no wonder there’s no prize winner in that country.
Chill:They actually have one.
Swedish:It’s a peace prize, kind of a consolation prize, even Obama got one.
Chill:True.
Swedish:We knew Professor Young from News. We knew he could work out a cure, so we sendhim Mjolnir to support him. He found a way at last, and we knew it’s time tolure the head of the Besties out and destroy them once and for all.
Bob:Thank you guys. Now it’s time for me to go back and persuade them todecriminalize marijuana.
Everyadult: Yeah!
Bob:Let’s go, guys. Grab the hammer. I believe you need a ride, Donald.
Trump:Thank you, Bob.
(Adults
left. Trump的手枪丢在地上，Young中枪，躺在地上喘息。Tits昏倒在地上，手上的伤仍在流血。Boo和Chill呆在原地，半晌才反应过来。)
Chill(toYoung): Are you OK?
Young(cough):I…I guess.
Chill:Um…We are going to take my friend to a hospital. You need some help?
Young(sigh):Forget it. I don’t deserve any help.
Boo: Hmm?
Young:I…I just don’t. You know, kids. I did electrify hundreds of kids.
Boo:Yeah, but as you said. It’s for the greater good of the whole world, right? SoI guess it’s like acceptable casualty or something.
Chill:Yeah, ends justify means.
Young:No, kids. You see? Ends never justify means. I’ve always been trying toconvince myself, it’s for a better world, for the greater good. But I alreadydestroyed those children’s world with my own hand. I am a murderer hiding in avault, wanting to achieve something great, but how can I do that withoutconscience? There’s no such thing like internet addiction. Those kids weregreat kids. They could have been Entrepreneurs, artists, or game designers. Ididn’t kill them. I committed a crime far worse: I killed their future. I don’tsuppose I have the courage to live on with such a guilt. Now, you be a goodboy. Give me that gun!
(Boo
hand over the gun, and Young shoot himself in the head.两人架着昏迷的Tits离开了Vault。画面黑了下来)
(逐渐出现的字幕)
Nowthere’re still “Internet/Game Addiction Withdrawal Centers” in China. Theyshock kids with electric current, hoping to “correct their behavior” and “curethem”.
It’snot a joke. It’s the truth.
Pleasehelp those kids.
Scene Extra
Location:Tits home
Character:Tits, Tits parents
(Tits的妈妈端着一篮衣服走到Tits房间门口，推开了门，Tits紧张地看着门口的妈妈。他的右手打着石膏，左手放在裆部。电脑显示的是屏幕，桌子上有一盒抽纸。)
Tits’Mom: Patrick, what are you doing?
Tits:Nothing.
Tits’Mom: OK.
(Tits的妈妈关上了门。镜头来到了阳台，Tits的妈妈在晾衣服，爸爸在浇花。)
Tits’Mom: Tits is masturbating, again.
Tits’Dad: Give him a break. After all he just saved the world.
