来源：http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2303588/The-mother-says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html
作者： Isabella Dutton
原标题：
The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
翻译：七日狐狸 转载请注明出处

Isabella Dutton, 57, says she wishes she had remained childless
“I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn't give back”

My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.

Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn't yet woken.
I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.
I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

57岁的Isabella Dutton说，她希望当年没要孩子。
“花费在孩子身上的时间，让我感到厌烦。他们就像寄生虫一样，不断的索取却从未给予回报。”

我儿子Stuart刚出生五天。像被人猛击了一下，我突然意识到：要孩子是目前为止我人生中最大的错误。

即使现在，33年过去了，我仍然清晰的记得当时的场景：Stuart睡在他的婴儿床里。该到给他喂奶的时间了，但他还没醒。

我听到他翻动的声音，看到他刚刚从睡梦中醒来的圆圆的脸，毫无感觉。没有泛滥的母爱的暖流。

对这个陌生的小家伙我只感到一种深深的隔膜，他闯入了我的婚姻生活，并且不可挽回的将它推向糟糕的一面。

Regrets: Isabella says she has always wished she never had Stuart (left) Jo (right), pictured here in 1986. But although she had always wanted to remain childless, she approached motherhood with diligence and devotion

后悔： Isabella说她一直都希望从未有过Stuart （左） Jo （右），照片摄于1986年。但尽管她一直都希望自己从未有过孩子，她还是尽职尽责的履行母亲的责任。
I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues.

Quite simply, I had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled.

I remember asking myself, 'Is he really mine?' He could, quite literally, have been anyone's baby. Had a kind stranger offered to adopt him at that moment, I would not have objected.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

Two years and four months after Stuart was born, I had my daughter Jo. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one.

当Stuart出生时，我22岁，他是个温顺乖巧的婴儿。所以，我之所以有这些感觉并不是由于劳累，产后抑郁症，或者是其他生完孩子后的抑郁引发的。

答案很简单，我一直都讨厌当母亲。只不过在那一刻，之前抱有任何一种关于“成为母亲后就会自然产生母性本能”的幻想彻底破灭了。
我记得当时问自己，“他真是我的孩子？”，毫不夸张的说，他可以是任何人的孩子。如果那时有个善良的陌生人提出要收养他，我肯定不会拒绝。

但我并不想伤害Stuart，并且我尽最大所能来照顾他。即便我知道如果没有孩子的话，我会过的更加开心，富有成就感。

在Stuart出生两年四个月后，我生了女儿Jo。我不想要小孩却还生了第二个，这看起来似乎是矛盾的。但我觉得只要一个孩子过于自私。

Isabella Dutton would have been happier not having children

I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but I knew I would care for Jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I'd grown to love him.

Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return.

Whenever I've told friends I wished I'd never had them, they've gasped with shock. 'You can't mean that?' But, of course, I do.
To some, my life before I had the children may have seemed humdrum and my job as a typist was, it's true, not much of a career. So what was the great sacrifice, you might think?

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn't there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I've never got that peace back.

I don't know why I feel as I do. I'm one of five siblings and was raised in a happy family by loving parents. Dad was in the Army; Mum, whom he met while posted in Germany, brought us up in the West Midlands.

Mum and I were close; even as an adult I could always confide in her. My childhood was very happy and conventional. Like most little girls I played with dolls. But I never recall a time when I wanted those make-believe games of motherhood to become a reality.

对她的感觉如同我对Stuart一样，毫无感觉，但是我知道我会尽最大所能去照顾她，努力去像学着爱他一样爱她。

但她对我的依赖，让我感到害怕，对将要花费在她身上的时间感到沮丧，就像寄生虫一样，我的两个孩子不断的从我身上吸取却从未回报任何有价值的东西。

每当我和朋友们说我希望我从未有过孩子时，他们都会震惊的倒吸一口气说“你不会是说真的吧？”但是，当然，我是认真的。
或许对某些人来说，在生孩子前我的生活也是单调乏味的。我作为打字员的工作，也的确算不上什么事业。所以你或许会觉得，哪来的牺牲可言？

于我而言，属于自我的时间，思考，阅读，享受独自一人的时光，头脑中的片刻宁静，这些对我而言意义非凡。但是顷刻间，那片宁静和孤独不复存在。有两个小小的入侵者闯了进来。我再也没法享受那种平静了。

我不知道为什么我会有这种感觉。我出生于一个有5个孩子的幸福大家庭，父母很疼爱我们。爸爸是军人，在他被派到德国时遇到了妈妈，我们从小在西米德兰兹郡长大。

我和妈妈很亲近，即使成年后，我对她照样无话不谈。我的童年就像任何一个玩洋娃娃的小女孩一样，循规蹈矩而又幸福。但我回想不起来曾经有过片刻是渴望将这种母亲角色扮演游戏变成现实的。

I know there are millions who will consider me heinously cold-blooded and unnatural, but I believe there will also be those who secretly feel the same.

It's just that I have been honest - some may contend brutally so - and admitted to my true feelings. In doing so I have broken a supposedly inviolable law of nature. What kind of mother, after all, wishes she hadn't had children?

I have never hidden the truth from my husband Tony, now 62.

我知道许多人会觉得我冷血，变态，可恶，但是我相信也会有一些人暗暗的感同身受。

或许对某些人来说很难，但我一向坦诚，忠实于自我的真实想法和感受。我这样做打破了一个顺理成章的自然法则。毕竟，哪种母亲会希望她没有过孩子呢？

我从未向我的丈夫Tony（62岁）隐瞒过这个事实。

From the moment we decided we would be spending the rest of our lives together, I confessed I didn't want to start a family.

We were childhood sweethearts. We met when I was 12 and he was 16; he was my first and only love. I was 19 when I walked up the aisle, a joyful bride anticipating a happy life with the man I adored.

But I knew even then children would be a sticking point. Tony wanted four. I didn't want any. We'd discussed the subject and I believe he thought I'd change my mind.

I suppose he imagined, as my friends started having babies, the urge to become a mum would overwhelm me. I hoped he'd change his mind.

从我们决定一起度过之后的人生那一刻起，我便吐露并不想组建家庭的想法。

我们是青梅竹马的恋人。遇到他的那一年，我12岁，他16岁，他是我第一个也是唯一一个爱人。我19岁时嫁给了他，当时我是一个被幸福笼罩的新娘，将要和自己所深爱的人开启一段幸福人生。

自那时起我便知道孩子将会成为绊脚石。Tony想要四个孩子。我一个也不想要。我们讨论过这个话题，我觉得他认为我会改变主意的。

我猜想他当时认为当我的朋友们开始有孩子以后，我就会有想当一个妈妈的冲动了。我希望他之后会改变心意。

When we married, we bought the three-bedroom house in Coventry that remains our home today. Tony pursued his passion for sports; my interests were more insular. I loved knitting, dressmaking and reading, and joined a book club.

Tony worked then, as he still does, as a pattern maker in the car industry. I was a typist in an office for a telecoms company.

After a couple of years of marriage, Tony began to ask whether I was still adamant that I didn't want children. In the end I relented because I loved him and felt it would be unfair of me to deny him the chance to be a dad.

But there were provisos: if I was going to have children I knew absolutely - illogical as it may seem in view of my feelings - that I intended to raise them myself without any help from nannies or childminders.

This wasn't a way of assuaging my guilt, because I felt none. It was simply that, having brought them into the world, I would do my best for them.

I cannot understand mothers who insist they want children - especially those who undergo years of fertility treatment - then race back to work at the earliest opportunity after giving birth, leaving the vital job of caring for them to strangers.

我们结婚时，买了位于Coventry的三居室的房子，直到现在我们还住在那里。Tony一向爱好运动，我更喜欢安静些的活动。我喜欢织毛线，做衣服，阅读，并且加入了一个读书俱乐部。

Tony那时在汽车厂里当模型工，直到现在依然如此。我在一个电信公司下面的一间办公室当打字员。
结婚几年后，Tony开始问我是否依然强烈反对要小孩。最后，我妥协了，因为我爱他，并且觉得因为我而剥夺了他当父亲的机会太不公平。

但是附带条件是，如果我要孩子（尽管看起来似乎很不合逻辑，考虑到我并不想要孩子），我是打算靠自己抚养他们，而不是去雇保姆或者扔到托儿所。

我并不打算替自己开脱，因为我并不觉得自己有错。很简单，是我把他们带到这个世界上来的，我就会为他们竭尽全力做到最好。

我实在无法理解一些母亲，一面说自己多么想要孩子，尤其是其中一些人经历许多年的不孕不育治疗，然后一生完孩子就立马跑回去工作，把至关重要的养育孩子的任务交给陌生人。

Isabella holds Baby Jo and son Stuart in 1981 at Christmas
1981年圣诞，Isabella 抱着 Jo 和 儿子 Stuart（右）

Why have them at all if you don't want to bring them up, or can't afford to? And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them? This hypocrisy is, in my view, far more pernicious and difficult to fathom than my own admission that my life would have been better without children.

And here, perhaps, is the nub of it: I would not take on the job of motherhood and do it half-heartedly. Unlike so many would-be mums I thought hard about the responsibilities of my role, and, I believe, if more women did before rushing heedlessly into it, they might share my reservations.

I was acutely aware that a child would usurp my independence and drain my finances. I felt no excitement as my due date approached. I had no compulsion to fill the nursery with toys, nor did I read parenting manuals or swap tips with friends. I focused on enjoying the last months of my freedom.

如果你不想抚养他们或者养不起的话，干嘛把他们生出来呢？如果你没打算养他们，为什么要假装说你想要孩子呢？在我看来，这种虚伪比干脆承认我不想要孩子，没有孩子我的人生会过的更好更加有害和难以理解。

或许，此处便是症结所在：我并不想承担起母亲这份工作然后干的三心二意。不像许多的准妈妈，我觉得这个角色的责任很重，并且，我相信，如果更多女性能够在生孩子前多加思考的话，她们也会同意我的看法。

我很清醒的意识到孩子会影响我的独立性，并且加重我的财政负担。在我的临产期快到来前，我并不感到兴奋。我没有要把育婴室装满玩具的冲动，也不读新手父母手册或者和朋友们分享心得。我专注于享受最后几个月的自由时光。

Tony and I had a strong marriage - after 37 years, we still do - and I did not dread the effect of the baby on our relationship. Sure enough, we maintained an active and fulfilling sex life and made a date night each Friday when Tony's parents babysat.

However, I did dread the encroachment of this demanding little being on my own independence.

So, in May 1979, Stuart was born, blue in the face as the cord was wrapped round his neck. While other mothers would be frantic with worry, I remained calm when the doctor whisked him away. I sent Tony back to work and for the next four hours I waited without any apprehension.

Tony和我的婚姻很稳固，37年后，依然如此。我并没有让孩子拖累我们的关系。我们的性生活很和谐，每周五晚上当Tony父母来帮忙看孩子时，我们都会出去约会。

然而，这个磨人的小家伙确实严重拖累我的独立和自由，这让我沮丧。

在1979年5月，当Stuart出生时，脐带缠住了他的脖子，他的脸色变的铁青。当医生把他送去急救时，换作其他妈妈此时肯定被吓傻了，我却镇定自若。我打发Tony回去工作，在那里等了四个小时，面无惧色。

'There is no doubt I grew to love Stuart very much, and indeed still do. But I wished I had never had him'
“毫无疑问，我越来越爱Stuart，现在依然如此。但如果可以重新选择，我希望我从未有过他。”

I did not really think about Stuart at all, until Tony returned after work and asked where he was.

He was fine, of course, but when they wheeled him back into the ward I did not experience that sudden leap of the heart that new mums are expected to feel. Instead I sat down with a cup of tea and thought bleakly, 'What have I done?'

Back home, I resolved to breastfeed. I knew it would be best for Stuart and I think every mother should do it. But even during this intimate act, that elusive bond failed to form.

Stuart fed voraciously, every two hours. He seemed almost permanently attached to me, but the proximity of this suckling infant did not make me feel maternal.

I never wanted to hurt Stuart - I only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still do. But I always wished I had never had him.

I told Tony, but if he was concerned, he didn't show it. He just said, 'Well we have him now. There's nothing we can do about it. You just have to get on with it as best you can.'

And that's exactly what I did. I believe I was a good mum, but never a doting one. When Stuart was three weeks old, I pushed him in his pram to the shops for the first time with our red setter Amber in tow. Outside the baker's I tethered the dog to the pram and left Stuart outside with Amber while I bought a loaf and cakes.

我甚至没怎么想到Stuart，直到Tony下班后来问我他在哪。
当然，他安然无恙，但是当他们把他推回病房时，我并没有新妈妈们应该感受到的那种如释重负。相反，我坐下来喝了一杯茶，大脑一片空白，“我到底做了什么？”

回家后，我决定母乳喂养。我知道这是对Stuart最好的，认为每个妈妈都应这么做。但是即使是在如此亲密的接触中，也没有形成传说中的什么纽带。

Stuart胃口很大，每两个小时都要喂一次。他看起来几乎要永远和我黏在一起，但是这个在喝奶的小婴儿的靠近并没有让我产生什么母性。

我从未想伤害Stuart，我只想他健康快乐。毫无疑问，我变的越来越爱他，现在仍然如此。但是我常希望并没有生下他。

我告诉过Tony, 但是如果他为此感到担忧的话，他并没有表现出来。他只是说，“现在我们有他了。我们可没有其他法子了。你只能尽最大所能去适应这个现实了。”

我就是这么做的。我相信我是个好母亲，但并不溺爱孩子。当Stuart三周大的时候，我第一次推着他的婴儿车带着我们的红色赛特犬Amber去逛商店。在面包店外面，我把狗拴在婴儿车上，将Stuart和Amber留在外面，进去买了个长面包和蛋糕。

It was not until I got home, made myself a cup of tea and started eating my cake, that I realised something was amiss. My dog wasn't there waiting for her usual titbit.

So the first thought that impinged on me was: where is Amber? I missed the dog before it even occurred to me that I'd left Stuart outside the shop.

I can't say, even then, that I was worried. I just rang the baker to check Stuart and the dog were still outside, retrieved them and came home.

At the baby clinic, other mums compared their babies' weight and boasted about milestones they'd reached, but I was not remotely interested in such inconsequential matters, so I only went to the clinic once. When people peered into Stuart's pram to coo over him and tell me what a lovely little chap he was, I thought, 'That's not true.' He was not a beautiful baby.

Meanwhile, Tony discharged his duties as a dad brilliantly. He helped with the nappies, bathed Stuart, and when we were out, it was Daddy he went to for comfort if he fell.

直到我回到家之后，给自己泡了一杯茶，开始吃我的蛋糕后，我才意识到有什么不对劲。我的狗没像通常那样过来要东西吃。
所以我脑海中闪过的第一个念头是：“Amber在哪儿？” 我想到了狗，接着我才意识到我把Stuart留在店门口了。

即使那时，我也不能说，我很担忧。我只是打电话给面包店老板看Stuart和Amber是不是还在外面，把他们找到然后回家。

在婴儿门诊，其他妈妈都在比较她们孩子的体重，互相吹嘘他们又达到了一个人生中的里程碑了之类，我对这些无足轻重的小事毫无兴趣，因此我只去过一次。当人们靠近Stuart的婴儿车去逗他，并跟我说他是个多么可爱的小家伙时，我心想，“他们只是装作礼貌罢了”，他可一点都不漂亮。

在此期间，Tony很棒的履行了他当父亲的责任。他帮忙换尿布，给Stuart洗澡，当我们一起出门时，如果他摔倒的话，他都会跑去找爸爸求安慰。

Then, when Stuart was 18 months, we planned the second baby I'd promised to have. But I felt no more thrilled by the prospect of becoming a mum again than I did first time around. When Jo was born in August 1981, I remember how joyously Tony and his family greeted the news that I'd had a little girl.

I did not share their jubilation. But there was nothing for it but to get on with the job of bringing her up.
I did this diligently, but it was Tony who was the effusive and demonstrative Dad.

当Stuart18个月大时，我们在准备要第二个小孩。我之前曾答应过。但我一点也并不比第一次要当妈妈时更加激动和兴奋。当Jo于1981年八月出生时，我记得Tony和他家人对于我生了个小女孩这个消息多么欢呼雀跃。

我丝毫感觉不到他们感受到的欢乐。但是除了好好承担起抚养她长大这份工作之外也别无选择了。

我孜孜不倦的做好这份工作，但是Tony这个爸爸才是充满热情，总是表达爱意的角色。

'I am a conscientious parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been'
He loved the children to distraction, and as soon as they were old enough, he took them to the sports club where Stuart became an accomplished footballer. Jo tagged along too and it became something of a joke that she even asked her dad to take her when she wanted to go to the loo.

We created a routine where I ran the home, and when Tony was off work he looked after the kids. And I jealously guarded my time free of the children.

On our summer holidays, Tony and I had our rigidly defined roles. I did not look after the children when he was around. So as they played football, sat glued to the Grand Prix or watched the golf, I would creep back to our chalet and immerse myself in a good book. Other mums were running around like headless chickens after their children, but in our household Tony took that role.

他爱孩子们爱到发狂，他们一到足够的年纪，他便带他们去参加运动俱乐部，在那里，Stuart成了个很棒的足球运动员。Jo也跟着去，甚至当她想去厕所时，她也让她爸爸带她去，这件事被我们当成玩笑说了很久。

我们就这样形成了一种默契，我在家收拾屋子，Tony下班后照看孩子。我小心的保卫自己的时间不被孩子们打扰。

我们全家夏季出游时，Tony和我都按照各自的角色行事。当他在的时候，我不需要照顾孩子。他们踢足球，看赛车或者看高尔夫时，我会钻回我们的小屋，将自己沉浸在书本的世界里。其他的妈妈们像没头的鸡一样跟在她们的孩子后面，但在我们家，是Tony承担这个角色。

We shared many happy times together; I did everything a good mother is supposed to. We had bucket-and-spade holidays on the Isle of Wight; there were endless sports events in which the children shone. I'm sure they would agree that they always felt secure and loved.

It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.

我们一起度过了许多快乐的时光，我做了一个好妈妈应该做的一切。我们去怀特岛（Isle of Wight，英国东南部岛屿，一处度假胜地）堆沙子城堡；那里有无数孩子们喜欢的活动。我很肯定我的孩子们也会同意这种说法，即他们一直是觉得安全和得到足够的关爱的。

不，与其说我每天都很恼怒，对我的孩子们满腔怨气，倒不如说我更多的是被由他们带来的持续不断的责任压的喘不过气。有了孩子之后，你并不能想做什么就做什么，每次远足都变成了探险。如果你认真对待为人父母这个工作，你总是得把他们的需求放在自己的需求之前。

有了孩子后，你得不断的在财政上，情感上无止境的付出，却很少或几乎没有回报。它使你的婚姻关系紧张，并且总是让你筋疲力尽。而且你的工作永远不会结束。

I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree.

I don't believe either that Stuart or Jo sensed any coolness on my part, although Jo once said, 'You never tell me you love me, Mum.' And I didn't, it's true. But I reassured Jo that I did love her. She and Stuart just accepted that I wasn't demonstrative.

They grew, too, into well-adjusted adults. Stuart, 33, works in telecoms engineering as a supervisor.

He is married to Lisa, 37, a bank supervisor, and they have two lovely children. But before Stuart announced that he was to become a dad, he asked me if I'd like to become a granny. And I told him quite emphatically that I wouldn't: I didn't want my new-found freedom to be usurped by years of babysitting.

My controversial views didn't shock him. He has always known I am forthright; he knows, too, having got my two grandchildren, I would knuckle down to my grandmotherly duties and acquit myself well.

我知道我和Tony的人生如果没孩子会更加快乐许多，简单许多，更加无忧无虑。

我不觉得Stuart或者Jo会认为我过于冷淡，尽管Jo曾经说过，“你从未跟我说过你爱我，妈妈”。这是事实，我没有。但是我安慰Jo道我的确爱她。她和Stuart也接受了我就是不善于表达情感的人。

他们渐渐长成了懂事有礼貌的成年人。

Stuart，33岁，在电信工程公司从事管理。
他娶了Lisa, 37岁，在银行从事管理工作，他们有了两个可爱的孩子。但是在Stuart告诉我他要当爸爸了之前，他问我是否想当奶奶。我很明白的告诉他我不想；我可不想刚刚找回来的自由又变成几年的照顾小孩。

我这个容易引起争议的回答并没有吓坏他。他一向知道我很直率，也知道，我有个两个孙辈后，会好好的履行我身为奶奶的责任，并且会做好这份工作。

Jo, 31, shares my opinion about motherhood: she has never wanted children; perhaps my views have shaped hers.
It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.

I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.

Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it.
And that, maybe, is the paradox. I am a conscientious and caring parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been.

Jo, 31岁，很认同我对于母亲这一角色的看法：她从未想过要孩子；或许我的观点的确影响了她。

很不幸的，八年前，她得了多发性硬化症，不得不放弃她当厨师长的工作。她现在只能卧病在床，与tony和我住在一起。

我是她全天候的护工，如果我能选择，我会毫不犹豫的替她得这个病。她知道我会做任何事来让她少一些痛苦，我会尽我所能的照顾她。我现在57岁，在我年岁渐长的时候，我有个越来越依赖我的女儿。

但是如果Stuart或者Jo需要的话，我会毫不犹豫的砍下我的右胳膊。

或许，这就是矛盾之处。我是个认真的，体贴的母亲，但如果我不是这样的母亲的话，我或许也会对抚养孩子更少怨言。