Can You Listen to Me Now?你现在可以听我说话吗？

While “Yes, and . . . ” can effect huge changes in corporate culture and in interpersonal dynamics, one doesn’t have to focus solely on huge changes to get started down the “Yes, and” path. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” So let’s start with small things you can do for yourself to help you in your personal development.

而“是，并且。。。可以在公司文化和人际关系中产生巨大的变化，而不必一味地专注于巨大的变化即可开始“是的，然后做”的道路。正如圣雄甘地所说：“成为您希望在世界上看到的改变。”因此，让我们从可以为自己做的小事情开始，以帮助您进行个人发展。

If you start using some of the “Yes, and” language of acceptance and support, it will trickle back to the way you think. It’s not such a daunting change when it begins with small, practical steps like making the attempt to swap out one three-letter word, “but,” for another,“and.” No brains have to be rewired in order to do this properly.However, it does take desire and action, focus and concentration; the truth is, when those first small steps are attempted on a regular basis and you begin to create good speaking habits, the rewiring of your brain begins automatically.

如果您开始使用某些“是，并且”接受和支持的语言，它将逐渐回到您的思维方式。当它以小的实际步骤开始时，例如尝试将一个三个字母的单词“ but”替换为另一个“ and”，这并不是一个令人生畏的变化。无需重新布线即可正确地完成此操作。但是，它确实需要欲望和行动，专注力和专心；事实是，如果定期尝试这些最初的小步骤，并且您开始养成良好的说话习惯，那么大脑的自动重新布线就会自动开始。

A small part of an incredibly effective exercise I execute in most sessions focuses on participants simply closing their eyes and listening. The listening lasts for only 30–45 seconds. When I ask people what they heard during that short span, there are always some obvious responses—the hiss of a radiator, people talking next door, the floor creaking, the clock ticking. When I press a little harder for what else they heard, somebody invariably says, “I heard my own thoughts.” When I ask who else heard their own thoughts, on average 85 percent of hands in the room go up. 

在大多数课程中，我执行的一项非常有效的练习中的一小部分着重于参与者只需闭上眼睛并倾听。聆听仅持续30-45秒。当我问人们在那短时间内听到的声音时，总是会有一些明显的反应-散热器的嘶嘶声，人们在隔壁说话，地板吱吱作响，时钟在滴答作响。当我用力按压其他人听到的声音时，总会有人说：“我听到了自己的想法。”当我问还有谁听到自己的想法时，房间里平均有85％的人举手。

The point of the exercise is to demonstrate how so many of us actually have trouble focusing on what our ears are registering. Even when asked to simply listen for less than a minute, the vast majority of people can’t do it and end up getting caught in their heads, thinking about something other than what their ears are picking up: Why are we doing this? I have to remember to call home. Did I send out that follow-up e-mail? What will I get at the lunch buffet? Whose pants am I wearing? Our mind needs to be challenged and we unconsciously allow it to drift away from the task at hand—in this case the task of listening. This simple exercise underscores how we communicate in real life as we busily attempt to multitask our way through real deadlines and time crunches and ambient chaos. So how does one learn to listen better amid real-world business stress?

练习的目的是演示我们中有多少人实际上在专注于耳朵的声音上有困难。即使被要求只是听不到一分钟，绝大多数人还是听不到，最后陷入了脑海，想着除了耳朵听不见的东西：我们为什么要这样做？我要记得打电话回家。我是否发送了该后续电子邮件？自助午餐会给我些什么？我穿的是谁的裤子？我们的思维需要受到挑战，我们会无意识地让它偏离手头的任务，在这种情况下，就是聆听的任务。这个简单的练习强调了我们在现实生活中的沟通方式，因为我们忙于尝试通过实际的截止日期，时间紧迫和环境混乱来完成任务。那么，如何在现实的商业压力下学会更好地聆听呢？

To fully embrace “Yes, and” and make fast, effective decisions in the real-world environment, we have to do something counterintuitive: slow our brain down. Slowing down our thoughts doesn’t mean we’re looking to diminish the quality of our thoughts. I would argue instead that by slowing down the brain and focusing on the nuances of our communications, we’re actually increasing the quality of thought.Let’s hit this piñata from another angle. The human brain can process  somewhere between 350 and 550 words a minute, while most peopleusually only speak around 120 words a minute.16 This means that in virtually every exchange of communication each participating brain has room for 230–375 extra words’ worth of thought to float around.

为了完全接受“是，并且”并在现实环境中做出快速有效的决策，我们必须做一些违反直觉的事情：放慢大脑的速度。放慢思想的速度并不意味着我们要降低思想的质量。我反而认为，通过放慢大脑的速度并专注于沟通的细微差别，我们实际上在提高思想的素质。让我们从另一个角度来研究这个现象。人脑每分钟可以处理350到550个单词，而大多数人通常每分钟只能讲120个单词。16这意味着，实际上，在每次交流中，每个参与大脑都有230-375个额外单词的思考空间漂浮。

Like a captainless ship, that gives our minds plenty of chance to drift and wander, whether we’re the one speaking or listening. We easily slip into the basic communication pitfall of drifting away from the person speaking, often thinking about what we’re going to say next rather than being focused on what we’re communicating or what’s being said to us. Rather than wandering off, our focus should be to slow the brain down, put extra emphasis on the words spoken (as if they were gold), engage our partner, and be fully present in the moment.

就像一艘无船长的船，无论我们是说话还是在听，这都使我们的思想有大量的漂移和游荡的机会。我们很容易陷入远离说话者的基本沟通陷阱，经常思考我们接下来要说什么，而不是专注于我们正在交流的内容或对我们说的内容。与其游刃有余，我们的重点应该是放慢大脑的速度，特别强调所讲的单词（好像它们是金子），与我们的伙伴互动并在当下充分展示。

Throw down the gauntlet and challenge your brain to stay in the  moment, in real time. It’s all about refocusing the brain to engage in a heightened state of concentration. This is precisely what “Yes, and” accomplishes. At its simplest level “Yes, and” requires you to really listen and understand, in the moment, before you react. The broader concept is that “Yes, and” asks both speaker and listener to be accountable for what is being communicated and what is being received—that is, to be accountable for all parties involved in the communication.

投下手套，挑战您的大脑，实时停留。这是关于重新聚焦大脑以使其处于高度集中状态的全部。这正是“是，并且”完成的。最简单的说“是，是”，需要您在做出反应之前真正听和理解。广义的概念是“是，并且”要求说话者和听者都对正在传达的内容和正在接受的内容负责，即对通讯中涉及的所有各方负责。

In my programs I move on from our intensive listening exercise to  some exercises in interpersonal collaboration. We begin with a demonstration of what’s really happening when we say we’re listening but are instead allowing those approximately 200 extra words per minute to ricochet wildly in our brains. Participants pair off and attempt to have a “conversation” in which each person must talk over the per�son who’s trying to talk to him or her. We only need 30 seconds or so of this to get the point across.

在我的程序中，我从密集的听力练习过渡到人际协作中的一些练习。我们从演示当我们说正在听时的实际情况开始，而是让每分钟大约200个额外的单词在我们的大脑中疯狂跳动。参与者结对配对并尝试进行“对话”，其中每个人都必须与试图与他或她交谈的人进行交谈。我们只需要30秒左右的时间就可以理解这一点。

 Nobody is clear on what was said because speakers were either talking mindlessly while focusing on drowning out the other person, or they were only hearing themselves speak regardless of what was being said to them. So in a conversation in which no actual listening is occurring, there is no reacting, adapting, or engaging taking place—only noise. Even on a comedy improv stage, if two performers are talking over each other it feels rude and confusing to the audience.

说话的人不清楚，因为说话者要么在专注于淹没对方的同时盲目说话，要么不管自己在说什么，他们都只是在听自己说话。因此，在没有进行实际收听的对话中，没有任何反应，适应或参与的发生，只有噪音。即使在喜剧即兴表演阶段，如果两个表演者互相交谈，也会给观众带来粗鲁和混乱的感觉。

 There’s a slim chance that the performers are in mutual agreement to find comedy in the pointless noise of talking over each other, though most of the time that’s not what’s happening. Instead when two improv performers are talking over each other it means each is trying too hard to pull a high-status move, get a laugh,or upstage the other performer. They are more focused on a personal agenda than on sharing and accepting personal perspective.

尽管在大多数情况下这并不是正在发生的事情，但是表演者之间相互同意的机会很小，彼此之间毫无意义地寻找喜剧。相反，当两个即兴表演者互相交谈时，这意味着每个人都在努力拉高地位的举动，大笑或使另一位表演者处于劣势。他们更关注个人议程，而不是分享和接受个人观点。

The seminar exercise continues on to the most practical of small  “Yes, and” steps: a pair of people have a conversation in which every sentence must begin with the actual words “Yes, and.” Whether or not I’ve prefaced the exercise with the underlying philosophy of these words, people quickly discover that in order to make such a conversation work, they have to listen intensively and make connections to their partner’s comments before building a cognitive bridge to their own perspective. The emphasis is on one voice at a time, giving and taking the right to speak in a mutually agreed process. This is the gist of “active listening.”

讨论会继续进行最实际的小“是和”步骤：一对人进行对话，其中每个句子都必须以实际单词“是和”开头。无论我是否以这些词的基本哲学作为练习的序幕，人们都会迅速发现，要使这样的对话有效，他们必须认真倾听并与伴侣的意见建立联系，然后再建立与自己的认知的桥梁透视。重点是一次表达一种声音，并在双方同意的过程中给予和获得发言权。这是“主动聆听”的要旨。

With an eye on transferring this exercise to the real world, in the  next round we show how our “Yes, and” conversations can connect in a slightly different way to relationship building and influence. In this round each speaker has the right to speak one sentence at a time, and each partner’s response must include specific, significant words used by the last speaker. 

着眼于将此练习转移到现实世界中，在下一轮中，我们展示了“是和”对话如何以稍微不同的方式建立关系和影响联系。在这一轮中，每个发言者有权一次说一个句子，并且每个伙伴的回应都必须包括最后一个发言者所使用的特定，重要的词。

The idea is to maintain a natural flow of conversation in which each speaker recognizes which of their own words are being used by the other person. (This should be a natural, authentic conversation, of course; simply repeating something common like the word “the” would defeat the purpose.) The goal is that speakers focus their mental energy enough to repeat what’s been said to them, and listeners are focused enough to hear what’s being repeated back.

想法是保持自然的对话流，其中每个说话者都可以识别对方正在使用自己的哪些单词。（当然，这应该是一种自然，真实的对话；简单地重复诸如“ the”一词之类的普通话会破坏目的。）目标是让说话者集中精神力量来重复对他们说的话，而听众则专注于听到正在重复的内容。

When I ask group members how it felt to have a conversation in  which they heard their own key words being used by the person they were talking to, the responses are often revelatory: “I felt like I was being listened to.” “I felt like the other person cared about what I was saying.” “I felt like we were on the same page.” “I felt like we were building a connection.” “I felt validated.”

当我问小组成员进行交谈时，他们听到自己与之交谈的人正在使用自己的关键词时感觉如何，回答常常是启示性的：“感觉就像在听我说话。”“我觉得其他人在乎我在说什么。”“我觉得我们在同一页上。”“我觉得我们正在建立联系。”“我感到很满意。”

I ask the participants whether it would be worth employing this  simple technique if it could have the same effect on people they speak with in their workplace, and the answer of course is yes. They answer yes not because any of these businesspeople feel the urge to grab a ukulele and get a version of “We Are the World” started. It is yes be�cause they’ve just gotten a clean taste of how effective communication can create a positive emotional effect in someone else. They got a taste of how to quickly create a strong connection with another person. They got a taste of “Yes, and . . . ”

我问参与者，如果这种简单的技术可以对他们在工作场所与之交谈的人产生相同的影响，那么是否值得采用这种简单的技术，答案当然是肯定的。他们的回答不是，因为这些商人中的任何一个都渴望抓住夏威夷四弦琴并开始制作“我们是世界”的版本。是的，因为他们只是对有效的沟通如何在他人身上产生积极的情感效果有了清晰的了解。他们尝到了如何快速建立与他人的牢固联系的味道。他们尝到了“是的，然后。。。”

In a final round of the exercise we highlight how language influences real-world workplace relationships. In that real world, conversations don’t happen just for the sake of showing off speakers’ communication skills. They happen because points of view need to be expressed, explored, and perhaps even debated. With that in mind participants continue to have these “Yes, and” conversations in which every sentence must start with “Yes, and” for about a minute. 

在练习的最后一轮中，我们重点介绍语言如何影响现实世界的工作场所关系。在现实世界中，对话不是仅仅为了炫耀演讲者的沟通技巧而发生。之所以会发生这种情况，是因为需要表达，探索甚至辩论的观点。考虑到这一点，与会人员继续进行这些“是，并且”对话，其中每个句子必须以“是，然后”开始约一分钟。

They then continue their conversation, this time with the direction of starting every sentence with “Yes, but . . . ” Participants quickly discover that it’s much harder to maintain a flow of acceptance and support in a conversation when starting every sentence with “Yes, but”; and when they don’t remain mindful about the process, the “Yes, but” passion quickly turns things into an argument, a one-upmanship grapple for high status, an impassioned defense of one’s own opinion by undermining one’s partner’s opinion, or even a point/counterpoint debate in which the conversation simply moves back and forth like a game of table tennis.

然后，他们继续对话，这次的指导方向是以“是，但是...”开头每个句子。。。”参与者很快发现，以“是，但是”开始每个句子时，保持对话中的接受和支持流程要困难得多；当他们对流程一无所知时，“是的，但是”激情很快就变成了争论，单兵一马为之争夺高地位，慷慨地捍卫了自己的观点，破坏了伴侣的观点，甚至点/对点辩论，对话像乒乓球一样来回移动。

In other words a “Yes, but” conversation is hard work. Conversely a “Yes, and” conversation is smooth, free flowing, inclusive, and easily productive, and the feeling of collaboration is underscored by the depth and breadth of the conversation. In a nutshell, a “Yes, and” conversation is easy and enjoyable. By extension a “Yes, and” culture accommodates passion without shutting other people down. It may take a little effort to establish this culture, and the payoff is tremendous.Let’s see if energy in relation to language matters by revisiting our “Yes” test:

换句话说，“是，但是”对话是艰苦的工作。相反，“是，且”对话是流畅，自由流动，包容且易于产生的，并且对话的深度和广度凸显了合作的感觉。简而言之，“是，然后”对话既轻松又愉快。顺便说一句，“是的，并且”文化容纳了激情，却没有让其他人失望。建立这种文化可能需要一点努力，而收获却是巨大的。让我们回顾一下“是”测试，看看与语言相关的精力是否很重要：

Have a 3–5-minute, very excited, very energetic, very passionate conversation with a colleague (or a stranger at a pub), starting every sentence with “Yes, but . . . ” Your goal now is to influence the other person with your level of energy and excitement in this passionate “Yes, but” conversation. Take note of how your partner reacts to you and the language they use toward you.

与同事（或酒吧里的一个陌生人）进行3至5分钟，非常激动，充满活力，非常热情的谈话，每句话都以“是，但...”开头。。。现在，您的目标是在这场充满激情的“是，但”对话中，以您的精力和兴奋程度影响他人。注意您的伴侣对您的反应以及他们对您使用的语言。

What did you notice?

Now have a 3–5-minute, very excited, very energetic, very passionate conversation, starting every sentence with “Yes, and . . . ”Your goal is still to influence the other person with your level of energy and excitement in this passionate “Yes, and”conversation.Audit what happens in this conversation, how your partner reacts to you and the language they use toward you.

你注意到了什么？现在进行3到5分钟，非常激动，非常充满活力，非常热情的谈话，每个句子都以“是，和。。。“您的目标仍然是在这场充满激情的“是和”对话中，以您的精力和兴奋程度影响他人。审核这次对话的内容，伴侣对您的反应以及他们对您的使用语言。

What did you notice?

What was the difference between the passionate “Yes, but” conversation versus the passionate “Yes, and” conversation?The beauty of the “Yes, and” approach is that practicing it doesn’t actually require a break from the workday, an empty conference room, or the pairing up of staff. Anyone at almost any time can decide to work the techniques of the exercises through his or her side of an interaction. The persons you communicate with will likely not know that an exercise is being followed, but they will feel the effect. No explanation of the exercise will be necessary—the resulting experience, positive or negative, will speak for itself. Try it!

你注意到了什么？

热情的“是，但是”对话与热情的“是，和”对话之间有什么区别？“是，和”方法的优点在于，练习实际上并不需要从工作日中休息一下会议室或工作人员配对。几乎任何时候任何人都可以决定通过他或她互动的一面来练习练习的技巧。与您交流的人可能不知道正在进行锻炼，但是他们会感觉到效果。无需对此练习进行任何解释，无论是正面的还是负面的经验，都是不言而喻的。尝试一下！

• Try talking over someone and see what happens.

• Try taking specific words used by the person whom you are conversing with and incorporating them in your follow-up sentences. See what kind of response you get.

• Have a conversation in which you only ask questions. Interrogate your partner and see how that person reacts to you.

• Have a conversation starting every sentence with “Yes, but . . . ” and see how the person across from you reacts.

•尝试与某人交谈，看看会发生什么。

•尝试接受与您交谈的人使用的特定单词，并将其包含在后续句子中。看看您得到什么样的回应。

•进行对话，只问问题。询问您的伴侣，看看对方对您的反应。

•进行对话，每个句子都以“是，但是”开头。。。”，然后查看您对面的人的反应。

• Similarly have a conversation starting every sentence with “Yes, and . . . ” and see how the person across from you reacts.

•类似地，进行对话，每个句子都以“是，然后开始。。。”，然后查看您对面的人的反应。

“Yes, and” techniques can be employed with a boss, a colleague, a spouse, a child—even a flight attendant who looks like he’s having a hard day. In fact on several long international flights, motion sickness bags full of mini booze bottles have been surreptitiously handed to me by stressed-out attendants who greatly appreciated a smile, positive attitude, and a little attentive listening. Just a few moments of awareness and “Yes, and” word choice on my part were enough for these attendants to feel they were being heard and understood. If you still doubt that the positivity and clear communication of “Yes, and” gets noticed and has an impact, those tiny bottles of Bombay Sapphire don’t lie.Now that we’ve learned the importance of “Yes, and . . . ” as a foundation of personal development, let’s take a look at how it can be used to develop one’s own voice and presence in the workplace.

可以与老板，同事，配偶，孩子（甚至是看起来很辛苦的一天的空姐）一起使用“是和”技巧。实际上，在几次国际长途飞行中，压力很大的服务员秘密地把装满迷你酒瓶的晕车袋交给了我，他们非常感谢他们的微笑，积极的态度和一点点细心的聆听。仅仅几分钟的意识和“是的”以及我所选择的单词就足以让这些服务员感到自己正在被听到和理解。如果您仍然怀疑“是，并且”的积极性和清晰的沟通受到关注并产生影响，那么这些小瓶孟买蓝宝石就不会撒谎。现在，我们已经了解了“是，并且。”的重要性。。。”作为个人发展的基础，让我们看一下如何将其用于在工作场所发展自己的声音和存在感。