伍迪·艾伦（Woody Allen），美国导演、编剧、演员、作家、《纽约客》撰稿人。自一九六五年以来，平均每年至少推出一部电影，多为自编自导和自演的喜剧作品。他的电影获奖无数，其中包括四项奥斯卡奖、九项英国电影和电视艺术学院奖，以及两项金球奖。文学作品包括《无羽无毛》、《中央公园西路》、《门萨的娼妓》、《丈夫、太太与情人》、《我心深处》、《副作用》、《毫无意义》、《乱象丛生》、《扯平》等。
幽默语录：
I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of thelight.
我害怕黑暗，也怀疑光明。
There's no way to prove that there is no God.You just have to take it on faith.
没有办法证明上帝不存在。要相信上帝不存在，你只能靠信仰。
A man that has never lied to a woman has norespect for her feelings.
一个男人从未对一个女人撒过谎，这说明他完全不顾这个女人的感受。
The talent for being happy is appreciating andliking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
欣赏和喜欢你拥有的东西，而不是你没有的东西，这是快乐的天赋。
You can live to be a hundred if you give up allthe things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
如果你放弃所有让你想活到一百岁的东西，你就可以活到一百岁。
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped intoaction. They rented out my room.
我被绑架后，我父母立即采取行动——他们把我的房间租了出去。
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneousorgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
我和我老婆唯一一次同时获得高潮是在法官签署离婚文件时。
The difference between sex and love is that sexrelieves tension and love causes it.
性与爱之间的区别是性缓解紧张，而爱则引起紧张。
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at homein my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
总的来说，我的老婆不太成熟。我在家洗澡时，她总是来把我的小船弄沉。
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someoneyou love.
别对自慰说三道四。那是与你爱的人做爱。
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
如果上帝存在，我希望他有一个好的借口。
The most beautiful words in the Englishlanguage aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."
最动听的话不是“我爱你”，而是“它是良性的”。
It seemed the world was divided into good andbad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoythe waking hours much more.
人似乎分为好人和坏人。好人睡得好一些，而坏人似乎能更好地享受醒着的时间。
I don't know the question, but sex isdefinitely the answer.
我不知道问题是什么，但性肯定是答案。
If you're not failing every now and again, it'sa sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
如果你不是经常失败，这表明你做的事情没有什么创新性。
I don't think my parents liked me. They put alive teddy bear in my crib.
我想我的父母并不喜欢我。他们把一只活的泰迪熊放在我的婴儿床上。
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers,space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people whocan never remember where they have left things.
有意思的是，现代天文学家认为，空间是有限的。这一点非常令人欣慰——尤其是对那些从来都不记得把东西放在哪里的人。
Men learn to love the woman they are attractedto. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
男人学着去爱吸引他们的女人，而女人则学着去吸引她们爱上的男人。
I did not marry the first girl that I fell inlove with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. Shewas an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
我没有娶我的初恋情人，因为当时我们之间有严重的宗教冲突。她是个无神论者，而我则是个不可知论者。
I was thrown out of college for cheating on themetaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
我因为形而上学考试时作弊而被大学开除了——我偷看了邻座同学的灵魂。
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of itas a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
不要把死亡视为末日。把它看作削减开支的真正有效的方法。
In my next life I want to live backwards. Startout dead and finish off as an orgasm.
下一辈子，我想倒着活。从死亡开始，以一次高潮告终。
I don't know what I want, but I know what Idon't want.
我不知道我想要什么，但我知道我不想要什么。
My love life is terrible. The last time I wasinside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
我的爱情生活很糟糕。上一次我进入一个女人的身体还是在我参观自由女神像的时候。
I've come to the conclusion that the artist cannot justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful,but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.
我的结论是，艺术家无法解释生活或想出生活有意义的充足理由，但他们能够在一个热天给你一杯冰水。
All things are possible, except skiing througha revolving door.
一切皆有可能，唯独不能从旋转门中滑雪而过。
I've become the person I've always hated, butI'm happier.
我变成了自己一直讨厌的那种人，但我更快乐了。
I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages.The first wife left me, and the second did not.
我前两段婚姻运气都不好，第一任妻子离我而去，第二任则不肯走。
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset andthought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, andit rained.
今天，我看着落日余晖丹霞似锦，心想，“我多么渺小啊！”。当然，我昨天也是这么想的，而昨天下雨。
——《门萨的娼妓》
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
死亡是少数几件只要躺下就能完成的事情之一。
——《门萨的娼妓》
What if everything is an illusion and nothingexists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
如果一切都是幻觉，什么都不存在，那可如何是好？那样的话，我肯定为我的地毯多付了钱。
——《无羽无毛》
I hate reality but it's still the best place toget a good steak.
我讨厌现实，但这仍然是获得一块好牛排的最佳地方。
——《无羽无毛》
萨特说：“他人即地狱。”我只想把这句话改成：“他人的品味即地狱。”
——《毫无意义》
我可以把生命看成悲剧或喜剧，这取决于我的血糖水平，但我一直认为它毫无意义。
——《毫无意义》
More than any other time in history, mankindfaces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. Theother, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
人类历史上，从未遇到像现在这样的艰难抉择。一条路通向绝望和无望，另一条路通往彻底毁灭。让我们祈祷上天赐予我们智慧，能够选择正确道路。
——《副作用》
All people know the same truth. Our livesconsist of how we choose to distort it.
所有人都知道同一个真相，而生活取决于我们如何扭曲这一真相。
——《我心深处》
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates badtelevision.
生活并不模仿艺术，生活模仿的是的糟糕的电视。
——《丈夫、太太与情人》
如果生活是什么的话，那就是无聊。哲学家们称其为荒诞，但他们真正的意思是无聊。
——《中央公园西路》
如果认识不到生命的价值，生活会随波逐流，荒谬不堪。
——《乱象丛生》
I don't believe in the after life, although Iam bringing a change of underwear just in case.
我并不相信有什么来生，但我还是会带上换洗的内衣以防万一。
——《扯平》
We define ourselves by the choices we havemade. We are in fact the sum total of our choices.
我们通过自己做出的选择来自我界定。事实上，一个人就是其选择的总和。
——《罪与错》
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
喜剧就是悲剧加上时间。
——《罪与错》
Comedy is a way of making sense out ofchaos.
喜剧是从混乱中找到意义的一种方式。
——《罪与错》
If you want a happy ending, that depends,of course, on where you stop your story.
如果你想要一个快乐的结局，那当然取决于你在哪里结束你的故事。
——《罪与错》
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want tobe there when it happens.
我不怕死，我只是不想在我死的时候在场。
——《仲夏夜性喜剧》
The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m notsure of anything.
我唯一确定的事就是我对任何事都不确定。
——《仲夏夜性喜剧》
You can’t be a great lover if you’re not agreat friend.
如果不能成为很棒的朋友，就不可能成为很棒的爱人。
——《仲夏夜性喜剧》
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc,my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’tyou turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guessthat’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totallyirrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because,uh, most of us need the eggs.
有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。
——《安妮·霍尔》
Sex is the most fun you can have withoutlaughing.
性爱是你在不笑的情况下能获得的最大乐趣。
——《安妮·霍尔》
To love is to suffer. To avoid sufferingone must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.
爱就是遭罪，为了避免遭罪，就不要去爱，但是这样一来又会因为没有爱而遭罪。
——《爱与死》
There are worse things in life than death. Haveyou ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
生活中有比死亡更糟糕的事。你曾经和一个保险经纪人共度过一个晚上吗？
——《爱与死》
It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but inthe end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
人生就像赌博，有起也有落，虽然最终庄家总是赢，但并不代表你不能自得其乐。
——《解构爱情狂》
Of all human weaknesses, obsession is themost dangerous, and the silliest!
在所有人类的弱点中，痴迷是最危险的，也是最愚蠢的。
——《非强力春药》
The man who said "I'd rather be luckythan good" saw deeply into life.
有人说，“与其做个好人，不如做个幸运儿”。这个人参透了人生。
——《赛末点》
I just met a wonderful new man. He'sfictional but you can't have everything.
我刚刚遇到一个很棒的新派男人。他是虚构的，但鱼与熊掌不可兼得。
——《开罗紫玫瑰》
Not everybody gets corrupted. You have tohave a little faith in people.
不是每个人都会变坏。你得对人有点儿信心。
——《曼哈顿》
It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics:sooner or later everything turns to shit. That's my phrasing, not theEncyclopedia Britannica.
迟早一切都会变成狗屎，这就是热力学第二定律。当然，这是我的解读，不是百科全书上的。
——《丈夫、太太与情人》
Life is manageable enough if you keep yourhopes modest.
如果你不抱很大希望，生活还是挺好过的。
——《双生美莲达》
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all theanswers blank and got 100.
我参加了一次存在主义的考试。我一个答案都没写，结果得了100分。
——《星尘往事》
The only love that lasts is unrequited love.
唯一能持久的爱情是单相思。
——《影与雾》
If you want to make God laugh, tell him aboutyour plans.
如果想让上帝发笑，就把你的计划告诉他。
——《出了什么事，老虎百合？》
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair,but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
艺术家所要做的事情并不是向绝望屈服，而是要找到一剂排遣精神空虚的解药。
——《午夜巴黎》
