Public Victory & Habit 4, 5小结

Part 1 概要：

1. 我们为什么需要管理人际关系？

人生的困扰，十之八九，问题都出在人际关系上。比如作为父母，有教育下一代的困扰，面对孩子的问题束手无策；在工作中，受同事排挤，不受领导赏识，没有晋级加薪的机会，工；在家庭生活中，处理不好婆媳关系，导致夫妻关系紧张，婆媳关系紧张等等诸如此类的问题。

本书中的前三个习惯帮助我们实现“有效的自我管理”，但实现有效自我管理不是我们的终极目标，有效的人际管理才是我们追求的方向。两者的关系是：“自我管理”是实现成功的“人际关系管理”的基石，实际人际管理是自我管理的方向和目标。

Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.

成功的自我管理者如果不懂得经营管理人际关系，他的才华可能会被埋没，甚至被摧毁。而良好的人际关系能够让你的才华绽放。生活中有很多人感叹怀才不遇，细思量大概是没有把管理好人际关系。

当出现人际关系问题的时候，我们往往在人格魅力（personality ethic)方面寻找快速的解决方法，却不知道这种做法可能适得其反。有效的人际关系（effetive interaction with others)跟有效的自我管理是一样的，需要寻找P/PC平衡。在人际关系管理中金蛋是产生有效的协作，良好的沟通；鹅是我们需要关注和建立人际关系。

“In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy, the results created by open communication and positive interaction with others. And to get those eggs on a regular basis, we need to take care of the goose. We need to create and care for the relationships that make those results realities.”

那我们该怎么样管理好人际关系？首先我们要了解建立人际关系的基础。

2. 信任是建立和维护人际关系的基础

我们都知道银行存款的意义和作用，定期存入，在需要的时候支出使用。人际关系（情感帐户Emotional Bank Account)同样需要不断地存储，才能在你需要的时候支取使用。如果你感情存款不足，也许偶尔可以透支，但绝对不能长久透支。

建立维护人际关系不是朝夕之事，是一项长期投入。这需要你有良好的人格：你需要了解他人，注重小事，信守承诺，明确预期，诚承正直，诚挚道歉。

也就是说，良好的人际关系，重要的不是你说了什么，而是你的品性，你是什么样的人。

“The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. ”

我们要时刻牢记情感帐户这一概念，才能建立并维护好长期的人际关系。

3. 培养良好的沟通习惯

人生的困扰大多是因为人际关系出了问题，人际关系的问题是因为沟通出了问题。

Habit 4 双赢思维 （Think win/win）和Habit 5 （首先理解别人，再寻求被别人理解）Seek first to understand and then to be understood是帮助我们建立有效的沟通习惯。

有效的人际关系需要的思维模是Win/Win双赢思维，离开双赢思维，就根本谈不上人际关系。然而大部分人的思维模式是Win／lose模式，在这种win/lose模式下合作无从谈起。

我们每个人总是期望被他人理解，却很少去认真聆听别人在说什么，我们往往关注自己关注的东西，忽略别的言谈和感受。若想被理解，第一步先要学会聆听，学会聆听你就在管理人际关系上向前迈的了一大步。

小结：在自我管理基础上，我们要建立维护有效的人际关系，建立良好人际关系离不开有效沟通。

Part 2 Summary

Paradigm of Public Victory

- Private Victory precedes public victory. Independence is the foundation of interdependence.

- The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or do, but who we are. If our words and actions come from superficial human relations techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our inner core (the Character Ethic), others will sense that duplicity.

- Interdependence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep, rich, meaningful associations, for geometrically increased productivity, for serving, for contributing, for learning, for growing.

-  We need to create and care for the relationships. 

The Emotional Bank Account

The Emotional Bank Account describes how trust is built on a relationship. Your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investments. 

Positive behaviors are deposits building a reserve. Negative behaviors are withdrawals. 

There are six major deposits budiding the Emotional Bank Account:

1. Understanding the individual. 

2. Attend to the little things.

3. Keep commitments.

4. Clarify expectations.

5. Show personal integrity.

6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal.

Habit 4 Think Win/Win

There are 6 Paradigms of Human Interaction,  but think Win-Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership.

six paradigms of human interaction: 

 1. win/win

 2. win/lose

3. lose/win

4. lose/lose

5. win

6.  Win-Win or No Deal

In the long run, if the relationship isn't a win for both of us, we both lose. That's why win-win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities.

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

It takes great courage as well as consideration to create  mutual benefits, particularly if we're interacting with others who are deeply scripted in win-los.

- Character

Character is the foundation of win/win, and everything else builds on the foundation. There are three character traits essential to the win/win paradigm - integrity, maturity and abundance mentality. 

Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration.

- Relationships

From the foundation of character, we build and maintain win-win relationships.

- Agreements

From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to win-win.

“Win-win is not a personality technique. It's a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishments. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.

Habit 5 Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

Habit 5 is the first step in the process of Win/Win.

Reading, writing, speaking and listening are four basic forms of communication, and communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But most of us have spent years learning how to read, write and speak. Few people have had any training in listening at all.

If you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. 

Seek first to understand involves a very deep shift in paradigms.

Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe, before you try to present your own ideas -- seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective interdependence.

When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and Third Alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy.

Part 3 Words

1. What this kind of comparative information doesn't tell you is that perhaps Johnny is going on all eight cylinders while Caroline is coasting on four of her eight.

cylinder发动机的汽缸， 这里用的很形象，8缸全部投入使用，就是拼尽全力，用4缸就是用了一半力气。

2. take sb to the cleaners

But they saw that position as being soft and weak, and they took us to the cleaners.

take sb to the cleaners: take or cheat one out of all of one’s money or possessions

3. We also encouraged them to cooperate and synergize with each other so that as many as possible could achieve the desired results of their individually tailored performance agreements.

tailor作名词都认识，裁缝，可是做动词的用法却不会使用，make or adapt for a particular purpose or person，使迎合，比meet之类的词生动多了。

4. This consumer research stuff is for the birds. 

be for the birds： 不值得考虑, 算个鸟，完全没用

The book is for the birds.

5. You're not wrapped up in your “own thing,” delivering grandiose rhetoric from a soapbox. 

第一眼看到soapbox以为是肥皂盒，查字典是肥皂箱。但是没有理解为什么什么意思。后来查到，肥皂箱这东西，但还是有点理解。查了wikipedia, 这么说：

A soapbox is a raised platform on which one stands to make an impromptu speech, often about a political subject. The term originates from the days when speakers would elevate themselves by standing on a wooden crate originally used for shipment of soap or other dry goods from a manufacturer to a retail store.

The term is also used metaphorically to describe a person engaging in often flamboyant impromptu or unofficial public speaking, as in the phrases "He's on his soapbox", or "Get off your soapbox."Hyde Park, London is known for its Sunday soapbox orators, who have assembled at Speakers' Cornersince 1872 to discuss religion,politics, and other topics. Blogs can be used as soapboxes within the context of the World Wide Web.

on one’s soapbox： Speaking one’s views passionately or self-importantly.

Part 4 感悟

这周印象最深刻的有二点： 

1. 小事的重要性，小事最给你的情感帐户加分，最容易获得

最近我在看《我的前半生》，罗子君全职太太，唐晶职场女强人，但只要罗子君一有事，不管什么事情，再忙唐晶都会及时出现在罗子君面前；发现陈俊生出轨，第一个站出来警告陈俊生收起那些花花肠子。是什么值得唐晶为罗子君这么做。

罗子君在家从来不做饭，喝个水都得亚琴递到手上，但周末却早早起来去超市给唐晶买牛奶，水果，跑去她家给她榨果汁。唐晶有个高富帅的男朋友，她缺那个给她买牛奶榨果汁的人吗？肯定不缺，但罗子君为她做的这种小事让她无比温暖。

小事往往比大事还加分，同理小事处理不好，也最能减分。

2. 在人格方面，真正的成熟是courage和consideration之间的平衡，耿直有时候未必是优点。我们需要认真考虑别人的感受。

最后，这周的阅读进度我总是落后一天，不能每天评论，很难受啊，但是我告诉自己底限是周末必须完成阅读任务，绝不拖延。