It is very curious for me to have dreams about ghosts, while being terrified by them in real life. I do believe in the existence of ghosts, but I would rather use the word energy or memory. I believe that all living beings leave some little things behind as their life leave their physical bodies which were left to rot and reenter the life cycle of nature. What I don't know or I could not be sure of, is whether they are friendly or not, and that is what scares me. The ghosts or creatures in my dreams aren't always evil, actually I could not remember any of them being really evil or cruel to me, they just wanted different things from me and might have a quite peculiar method in getting there...

I have always loved ghost stories even though I am terrified by them. Isn't it interesting, our human mind, being fascinated by something which also terrifies you. I used to listen to ghost stories being told by a senior schoolmate, she would tell the stories with all the gestures and expression to reach the best effect. Though horribly scared I was, I never really had any nightmares about them at that age, or I probably could not remember them. For some unknown reasons, many of my ghosts-related dreams involved sex, I would rather have my human dreams being related to sex. The next few pieces actually belong to the same category, the sleep paralysis, which is also called Demonic Visit or Ghost Impression in China. Now, the name could be quite confusing as I could not find the exact translation from Chinese into English. In general, it meant that you are being pushed or pressed against your bed by a demon or a ghost, so you could not fully wake up and move your body, only your consciousness is awake. I have had three clear experience of the sleep paralysis, and they all occurred during my depression periods, where I lock myself in my room and keep the curtains closed for weeks. I once received an advice from a friend to open the curtain and the window, and he was absolutely right, the sunshine and fresh air could chase all of those bad boys away.

Now back to the dreams, in the first one, I was dining in a grand hall with many guests, I didn't know any of the guests, not even the host or hostess. I was sitting on the upper half of the table, where I could see the host/ess, but could not quite see the guests at the end of the table. We were all dressed up like in the Victorian time, with beautiful satin ball gowns, and padded petticoat, super tiny waist in contrast with big bust. The hostess was wearing a stunning satin ball gown in deep red wine colour, I could not recall the colour of my dress, but I bet it was a dark colour, not black, probably navy, as I remembered how white and pale my hands looked in contrast with my sleeves. The hall was lit not by electric lighting, but candles sited in lovely candelabras. I didn't join the conversation much, mainly being polite while responding to others. One could hear the clattering of the silverwares (yet I remember someone once told me that you are not suppose to make any sound with your cutlery while eating), and joyful conversation, with women exclaiming in an exaggerated tone now and then. After the dinner, I went to rest in my guest bedroom. The bed was right next to the door, it was all metal-made with a thick and luxury mattress on top, the beddings had soft green and yellow flowery pattern on them. I undressed myself, untied my hair and was ready to go to bed. And there were three knocks on the door. I picked up the candelabra and asked who it was, an old man responded. I remembered him roughly from the dinner, he was sitting somewhere on the other side of the table, he was a small man, in a black coat and had very few grey hair on his balding scalp. I opened the door and asked if there was anything I could help him with, he replied that he was not feeling so good. I invited him in to sit down and have a drink while I would try to find some help. I was surprised when he closed the door and put down his candle. He was wearing his night gown over some linen shirt, he ventured towards me and reached for the candelabra in my hand. I didn't understand the situation, until he put down the candelabra and pinned me on the bed. By 'pinned' I mean literally pined on the bed like using nails. I was shocked, as he was surprisingly strong, too strong maybe for his age, as he seemed to be so short and skinny, almost boney. Yet, when he locked me under him, I couldn't move. I wanted to kick him, but I couldn't lift up my legs, I could only kick my feet in vain. I wanted to hit him, but my arms had such restricted movements that I could not raise them high enough to reach him. He bent down, wanting to kiss me, I shook my head violently trying to avoid it. His mouth was full of disgusting yellow teeth stained with brown and black dots, and it smelled awful, his breath was fetid. That was when I realised I was dreaming, and my consciousness urged me to wake up, to move. But no matter how I tried, I couldn't move an inch, none of my limbs would move now, not even my finger tips, not even my mouth, I couldn't even shout out. Then, there was another knock on the door, the old man froze above me, and I felt relieved. He hesitated, and my rescuer, another female guest from the dinner asked if I was okay. He climbed down the bed, I sit up slowly, rearranged my night gown, grabbed the candelabra and opened the door. The lady asked me if everything was alright, he replied in a hurry that we were just having a late night conversation and bid us both goodnight. When the lady looked at me in great concern, I was finally able to fully wake up, with my pajama completely drenched from sweating. That was my first time realising that if the rapist is strong enough and if you let your fear take control over yourself, there is no way you could run away. So baby girl, always be strong, always push yourself to fight back, scream your lungs out if you need to, fight for your own freedom.

The second dream was not completely sexual, it took place in my very own bedroom in Manchester. I was living in the dormitory, in a flat with only girls. My consciousness was fully active when the intruder entered my room, there was no sound of opening the lock neither of opening the door. Only ghosts walked through walls. I freaked out, not knowing what to do, not even brave enough to open my eyes, my eyelids were shaking uncontrollably, and I could see that my uninvited guest was a girl. She was young, perhaps younger than me, not more than 18, she had dark hair, probably brown, in a white dress which was full of laces. She stood next to my bed, looking at me, then giggled as if she had found something intriguing, like a child being content with his toy. She leant towards me, still staring, then held my upper arms with her hands. I could only feel her grip as my arms were under the cover. She sit down on the left side of my bed and bent down as if to have a closer look at my face. I had a feeling that she knew I was awake, that I was terrified. She approached towards my face, then giggled again right next to my left ear. I could feel her curls on my face, her breath on my ears. She maintained this position for a while as if testing how long would it take for me to give up, to open my eyes and face her. I didn't, and she let me go. She raised up, held herself straight up again and started walking slowly towards the door. And I could hear the tail of her long dress sweeping the carpet, a very soft sound dragging and drifting as she exited the door. I waited for a long while before opening my eyes.

By the time I had my most recent 'ghost visit' I was already quite familiar with it, I have had other small ones where I could feel someone staring at me while I struggled to fully wake up. The last one took place in my current Paris apartment which is a residence for students, janitors and workers would sometimes enter our apartments to change the beddings, add a new curtain or fix something. I was lying on my bed when he entered, as he opened the door and walked inside he had a vacuum cleanser dragging after him, it was one very much like the one I used to have in my dormitory in London (yes, I have lived in many dormitory and I love them in general). The man was strongly built, dressed in a greyish blue uniform with a baseball cap, it also seemed that he had a towel hanging over his neck. He had a broomstick in his hand, he called out to see if I was awake. Now, normally when I don't want to talk, I would pretend to be asleep. So I didn't respond, he walked towards me with his broomstick, and called out again. Still no response, he put his broomstick aside, and stood next to my bed. I realised there was something wrong, that I was having another sleep paralysis, and thankfully this time I didn't panic. I was actually curious what would happen if I didn't push myself to wake up, would he really rape me? Then, as he moved closer, inched his face towards mine, I realised that I was not prepared to be raped, not even in my dream, so I summoned my consciousness to wake my body up. I managed to wake up right before he kissed me, and he still had his cap on, which was weird. I know this may sound ridiculous, but if you push enough, and concentrate only on waking up, not on the actual dream, it is easier to eventually break the spell and release yourself from the containment.

In the end, I still don't know if I would actually get raped in my dream, and I was thinking about using the dreams as a practice to actual sexual assault in real life. Luckily, my rationality vetoed this crazy and senseless suggestion and I shall stay safe both in my dreams and real life.