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How we communicate with our romantic partners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years. The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships. From their data, they have concluded that contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.
译文：我们如何与恋人沟通对我们的关系质量有很大的影响。心理学家约翰·戈特曼和朱莉·戈特曼开办了“爱情实验室”，在过去30年里对数千对夫妻进行了研究。他们研究的目的是确定导致幸福和不幸福关系的因素。根据他们的数据，他们得出结论，蔑视、批评、防御和石墙是最重要的因素，可以伤害一段婚姻或感情。
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Among these, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce. People who feel contempt for their partner often convey disapproval without addressing the issue. They sometimes label their partner with insulting words such as "lazy" "stupid" or "emotional", which is particularly damaging.
译文：其中，蔑视是离婚的最准预测因素。那些瞧不起伴侣的人常常还没提及问题就已传达了不满。他们有时会用诸如懒惰、愚蠢或情绪宣泄之类的恶言给自己的伴侣贴上标签，这尤其具有破坏性。
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Many couples try to address issues by criticizing their partner's flaws or mistakes directly. Being too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem. Some people may react to criticism by becoming defensive and focused on winning the argument, rather than on improving themselves. Others may react to criticism by stonewalling, where they refuse to acknowledge and respond to their partner for a period of time. Unfortunately, fighting back or ignoring your partner can make it difficult to determine the root of your problems. If your partner feels that they aren't valued, it may lead to increased dissatisfaction with the relationship.
译文：许多夫妻试图通过直接批评伴侣的缺点或错误来解决问题。过于直接的批评会伤害你伴侣的自尊心。有些人对批评的反应可能是摆出防御姿态，专注于赢得争论，而不是提高自己。其他人对批评的反应可能是拖延，在一段时间内拒绝承认和回应他们的伴侣。不幸的是，反击或忽视你的伴侣会让你很难找到问题的根源。如果你的伴侣觉得他们不被重视，这可能会导致Ta对关系越来越不满。
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The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship. It is important to acknowledge that all relationships have issues. The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues, but to learn to resolve them. In particular, we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner's self-esteem. It is better to discuss problems in a way that is less confrontational and can better help your partner sympathize with your perspective. For example, rather than saying "Why are you ignoring me? It's rude!", one could say "l feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get a response from you." By being conscious of how we communicate with our partner, we can begin to build a healthier relationship.
译文：戈特曼夫妇认为，在交流中意识到这些因素是改善关系的第一步。承认所有的关系都有问题是很重要的。我们的目标不应该是避免这些问题，而是学会解决问题。特别是，我们应该避免以伤害伴侣自尊的方式交流。最好以一种对抗性较低的方式讨论问题，并能更好地帮助你的伴侣认同你的观点。例如，与其说“你为什么忽略我？这样挺过分！”，有人可能会说:“当我没有得到你的回应时，我觉得受到了伤害，被低估了。”通过意识到我们如何与伴侣沟通，我们可以开始建立一种更健康的关系。
Exercises:
1. — What is the purpose of this passage?
— It's to advise readers on how to identify and improve problems in a relationship.
2. — What is the purpose of the Gottman's research?
— to identify characteristics of successful and unsuccessful relationships
3. Someone who is defensive in an argument will probably not admit fault.
4. To show contempt means to be disrespectful.
Please tap the first correct sentence to appear:
1. What is the biggest predictor of divorce?
>> Among these, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
2. What might make it difficult to find out the cause of your relationship problems?
>> Unfortunately, fighting back or ignoring your partner can make it difficult to determine the root of your problems.
3. What is the first thing we should do to repair our relationship?
>> The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship.
4. How should we avoid to communicating with our partners?
>> In particular, we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner's self-esteem.
Fill in the blanks:
1. The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship. It is important to acknowledge that all relationships have issues. The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues, but to learn to resolve them.
2. How we communicate with our romantic partners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years. The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships. From their data, they have concluded that contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.
Put the sentences below in order:
(1) The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships.
(2) Among these, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
(3) From their data, they have concluded that contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stone walling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.
(4) Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years.
Correct Order: (4) (1) (3) (2)
Repeat & Read Sentences:
1. Being too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem.
2. l feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get a response from you.
3. Stonewalling your partner can make them feel like they aren't valued.
4. The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships.
5. By paying attention to how we communicate with our partner, we can begin to build a healthier relationship.
6. Their research has given us insight into how to make our relationships better.
7. Telling somebody that they are too lazy would probably hurt their self-esteem.
